In-Law troubles

I want to get some insight and suggestions into what you guys think about my situation.

My relationship with my in-laws is not BAD, we get along well enough!, but things are bad enough that I’m sitting up for the 3rd night this week sick to my stomach with anxiety. It’s 2:34 AM and I’m showing no signs of being able to sleep.

To start off, my husband and I have been together for 10 years, since we were 15, and have an awesome bond for the most part. He’s my best friend and we get along super well. But since having our son things with my in-laws have become a huge issue in our marriage and it’s causing me a great amount of distress.

Here are jus a few examples:

First, I didn’t want any visitors at the hospital after having our son mostly due to the fact that my in-laws have the tendency to overstep their boundaries and overstay their welcome. I figured to avoid conflict I would ask that the 2-3 days immediately after his birth we would be able to be alone with our baby especially since my husband only got 5 days off of work. My husband and I discussed this from the moment I got pregnant and when it came time to sit down with our parents and tell them (my parents were 100% fine) his mom cried and had a tantrum and my husband said we would Change our mind and sort of made me feel like I was crazy and it had been all my idea from the beginning. Granted, it was, but he had agreed with me every step of the way. The whole thing made me feel so badly that I said “okay” and ended up with in-laws who were there for EVERY MINUTE of my 3 day long induction, emergency C-section, and then after my son’s birth my MIL took him from me for 3 hours. I repeatedly asked for him back o feed him and she wouldn’t give him back. My husband said...nothing.

Second, my MIL has said my family is a cult trying to steal her son because they’re nice to him I guess. My husband allowed her to make these comments and didn’t stand up for them. This is something that didn’t happen in my presence but it’s something I still hold against him. When he left home due to toxic circumstances my parents put a roof over his head and provided everything for him. He doesn’t have to “choose” them but I expect him bare minimum to stand up for them.

Third, ANY parenting decision that we’ve made we have sat down and hashed out a million times. My husband will agree, he will say things and I’ll agree, and everything is perfect. One example of this is I do not let ANYONE (even my own parents who I love and trust very much) babysit for me. There is a lot of complexities as to why I don’t but they all stem from childhood trauma. I told my husband that I’m uncomfortable allowing my son to stay with anyone until he is old enough to tell me if something made him uncomfortable (he’s only 7 months right now). I do not withhold my son from anyone, they are welcome here day and night for as long as they want and when we take my son to visit I hand him off and let them have their time. But this is something I feel VERY strongly about, and my husband knows why. Well, my father in law told my husband that we are GOING to leave my son with them this week and my husband said “okay!”. What??? When we got in the car I told him absolutely not, and he said “I just feel bad for them because this will hurt their feelings”. And I get it. I do. I had to have an uncomfortable talk with my parents about it but I feel it’s better to be upfront and honest about it rather than lie and string them along. Now I’m up at 3 am wondering if I made up his agreement all along. I almost feel like I’m being gaslighted. I KNOW if I let them take my son I’ll spend the entire time sick and upset. I have gone to counseling. This is one thing I will NOT cave on.

Last and final example is my husband added his brother to our car insurance policy without talking to me (his brother has been in 4 car accidents, all his fault, smokes weed constantly, and brags about driving drunk all the time) and I didn’t find out until I went to pay our bill. My husband said his mom told him that his brother would pay his portion of the bill and it was “risk free” for my husband. A simple call to State Farm and they told us no, it was not risk free, and if his brother was in another accident it would be our liability. I was furious and told him to remove his brother. He literally CRIED, said I was trying to keep him from having a relationship with his family, and that his brother was his best friend. He repeatedly tells me “I’ll stop by and handle it after work” and a month later here we are. I’m so fed up.

I feel like the ONLY person preventing me from having a decent relationship with my in-laws is my husband because he will never stand up to them, even over the smallest things. We are supposed to move out of state next year because we have better prospects and the idea that my husband will nut up and tell his family is funny to me at this point.

I do not feel like I should always have to be the bad guy. His mom already dislikes me and blames me for ludicrous things (like her phone being broken and not sending texts...she accused me of ignoring her messages even though I wasn’t getting them. Even when her phone did end up being broken she didn’t stop blaming me) so I’m constantly afraid to stand up to them because I know in my heart if I do and they don’t take nicely to it that my husband will choose them and I’ll end up divorced and lose my soul mate in the process. I’m so scared and fed up. My husband goes between telling me he wants nothing to do with his family and wanting to cut them off and then kissing their asses and I don’t know what is going on half the time. I feel like I can’t breathe ever.