I feel so sad.

We found out 3.5 weeks ago at our first scan that bub didn’t have a heart beat when it should have and was measuring about 6.5 weeks and should have been at least 7.5 weeks.

We scheduled a re-scan for 8 days later just to be sure.

In the meantime I got very sick with Infuenza A including a reaction to the anti-viral Tamiflu partially due to having bad morning sickness - the nausea was unbearable.

Then on the 8th day we sadly got confirmation bub was not viable.

Was scheduled for a d&c some 6 days later as wasn’t passing anything naturally. This procedure got cancelled as the anaesthesiologist was concerned about risks of airway complications due to having been so sick the week before.

D&C got rescheduled and thankfully occurred some 5 days after that, when I would have been 10 weeks pregnant.

So now it’s been 6 days after the D&C, 3.5 weeks since we found out we had lost our baby. It’s time to return to work tomorrow and today has been my worst day. I’m not sure if it’s anxiety about returning to the real world as I’ve basically done as much “nothing” as possible, given I have a 16 month old, but sit on the couch, nap when I can and comfort eat.

I think the thought of returning to the real world without my baby is what’s making me feel so awful all of a sudden.

My baby was going to be absolutely perfect for our little family. We timed him so he would be born 23 months after our first son. I always wanted 2 under 2. I miss him in my belly. I miss having the happy little secret, replaced with an awful heavy secret.

I love you baby and will never forget you xx