Went in for my first ultrasound yesterday at 8 weeks. I was a bundle of anxiety, peed on a stick which came up blazing positive for the nurse, NP did a pelvic exam and everything looked great. The ultrasound tech did a transvaginal ultrasound, looked around for a few seconds, took a breath and said...well, I see two things here that are good. I asked her to turn the screen towards me and give it to me straight. I just knew. Two months previously I had suffered from a miscarriage as well.

So, the tech showed me the gestational sac and yolk sac, but showed me that she couldn’t find an embryo. She asked me if I was for sure on my dates. Seeing As I tested for ovulation with opks I was 98% that I didn’t get my dates wrong. Everything was measuring at 6+2 and I have to go in next week to check for growth and confirm a miscarriage.

Needless to say I cried all day yesterday. The two months I spent in excited anticipation for another child, sharing the news with the people I love, just came crumbling down around me. And I felt it like a sick joke my body was playing on me. If the baby died two weeks ago, why did I still have to experience pregnancy symptoms every day? Missed miscarriages are absolutely, total and complete fcking hell.

I don’t know why I went on google to search success stories with women who shared my dilemma, but I did. I don’t know why I’m holding onto hope. Maybe my previous section with my son gave me a retroverted uterus and the embryo was just hiding during the US? Maybe next week against all odds, my perfect little life that I’ve spent every second loving beyond belief, will have suddenly appeared, with a perfect and strong heartbeat? And if this isn’t the case, then WHY WONT MY BODY just start bleeding and get this the hell over with?! I don’t know what’s worse- trying for years to get pregnant without being able to see those two pink lines, or getting pregnant just to have your unborn child ripped away from you again and again. I’m a Christian, but I’m having a hard time believing why God would do this to me, and to so many other women. It’s cruel, and sick, and heartbreaking, and makes you want to give up on having kids.

I’m struggling today ladies, does anyone have some words of encouragement, anyone in a similar boat? 😢