Im in my worst days of my life


I’ve been on and off 3 years with my ex. We met at the age of 18 , we wanted a child we tried and I miscarried one . Found out he was cheating , his family I did know was toxic . We ended badly , a year later we reconnected by him telling me happy birthday , I told him happy birthday a month later since we’re a month apart both 22 now . We had a weekend of passion I strictly wanted sex and that’s all but later found out I was pregnant with my daughter. My pregnancy was up and down , secretes were revealed , I learned why he kept me away from his ratchet, toxic , torn , manipulative family . He was in & out of the beginning of my pregnancy due to us fighting , yelling , peddy arguments & him being immature about a lot . He came back when I was 4 months pregnant & stayed until she was a month old and became on & off with our daughter . He stopped going to appointments, stopped coming over to help , stop being a parent . I provided for my own pregnancy and I had bought so many things to last until she was 4-5 months with some help from my parents . That went to my daughter only being able to depend on me & her grand parents . I recently lost my grandma in July , I was <a href="">tracking ovulation</a> and it worked it prevented us from pregnancy for 6 months . Things continued to change his sex , he would leave my home early and basically was there to play and nap with our daughter . The night I went to see my grandma he had our daughter at my home . I came in and broke down, he used that moment and had sex with me ( yes I play a big part I could’ve not replied to his DMs, I could’ve cut all sex off like I needed to because he didn’t deserve my body so it’s my fault too . But to be this evil is inhuman. I found out I was pregnant again, 6 months postpartum, I knew it before the test . I told him he told me to get an abortion, he had another child which wind up now not being true , he wanted to talk & fix things , he was sorry , these words are from the words of his mouth but as y’all an see who can trust him ? How could I believe that ? . He recently saw our daughter which was the 3rd time thus month. Since everything else secretively he has going on is much more important than our baby girl . He wanted to get our daughter for days but won’t tell me where and all his family has my info which I gave willingly thinking we were all cool and cordial . When he gave me an address it was to a dirt road 🤦🏽‍♀️a fucking dirt road & you’ve guessed it right , more lies came behind that . He doesn’t want to help me with our6 month old , he doesn’t provide , give time . NOTHING . I was sooo stupid to have let a boy ruin my life so much and make it so hard. Right now I’m booking an abortion, I feel depressed, I barely eat , I barely want to deal with my 6 month old , I don’t want the abortion but I’m going to struggle so much doing it alone with 2 under two . Work ? Daycare ? All the expenses of a 2nd child on me ! No sleep, how could I do this ? I convinced myself I could for 2 weeks until today . Sure my mom and dad could help but they do enough ! While still having 2 children of their own 7 & 2 . My parents are 38 & 54 . This makes me never want to have children , fall in love emotionally I am cut . Mentally I feel lost and out of it mind you I’m in the middle of trade school. I just feel like a terrible woman , mother and person . I’m thinking thoughts i shouldn’t like giving up my daughter , giving up my life . I just want this pain to go away . I’m sorry I just needed to vent as I cry silently next to my daughter as she sleeps soundly next to me .