I love my daughter. She is incredible.

But nothing about this motherhood journey has been easy or as planned/expected. And for something natural, those “plans” have been shattered.

Getting pregnant, and staying pregnant, took nearly 2 years. I experienced a missed miscarriage followed by two chemical pregnancies, and a worry of Ashermans Syndrome. The month that I was supposed to have testing for Asherman’s, I became and stayed pregnant! During this past pregnancy, there were times I couldn’t even believe I would have a baby... even when I was 8 months along.

The actual pregnancy wasn’t too rough, and I exercised and practiced yoga daily until about 30 weeks when I just got too tired. During this time I planned for an all-natural birth. I researched, hired a doula, practiced visualizing my birth experience.

And then I was past 40 weeks, no signs of dilation, and my blood pressure was creeping up. At 40+3, I was diagnosed with gestational hypertension, and checked into L&D to be induced within an hour of my check up appt.

After 24 hours of induced labor, I caved and got an epidural, and then gave birth 6hours later after 30 hours total of labor. While disappointed, it was 100% the right decision to have an epidural as my body was exhausted and it allowed me to relax and progress.

I kept telling myself, well at least I can breastfeed and that will go well.

Well my daughter was born small for gestational age, which led to latching issues, which led to using a nipple shield. And because she was SGA, she was on blood sugar checks before and after every feeding. And because of that, I started “triple feeding”, which includes breastfeeding, then immediately pumping, then supplement feeding that expresses milk, then repeating that cycle. Every 1.5 hour-3 hours. There is no time for anything else. Especially when she was nursing for up to an hour +pump +supplemental feed.

Going home, continuing the feeding cycle, feeling broken that my daughter seemed continually hungry no matter what even after long nursing sessions. (She eats 2-4 ounces of expresses milk after nursing). So many tears.

Then going to her check up appt and finding out she is still below her birthweight at 16 days old. The doctor trying to reassure me that it’s okay because she has still gained something and it’s common for SGA babies. Telling me to continue the triple feeds as I’m trying not to cry with being overwhelmed.

Sucking up my pride to ask about exclusively pumping or supplementing with formula.

And last night, starting to pump every time my husband would feed her my expressed milk instead of nursing for an hour beforehand , so I could have a break. And her first nighttime bottle of formula. And I just feel relief. And she was full.

Is there shame from not giving her “the best”? Absolutely. But I feel like I can enjoy my time with her more. I can get an hour or two of sleep. My husband and I can share responsibilities more. And I’m not crying.

Nothing has been what I planned. And I’m understanding it will be okay.