A brief background for my question.

I have been with my boyfriend for 12 years.

In the beginning of our relationship, we were both young fresh out of high school, I was fresh out of a 3year physically and emotionally abusive relationship. I didnt love myself much at all, I didnt feel worthy of love either. Before meeting my boyfriend I looked for attention and love anywhere. Once we began dating and my boyfriend stopped doing things to show his desire for me Id tak to old friends(regrettably)

We broke up briefly & after a few weeks we got back together. He was never the same which I know was my fault. I have constantly tried to prove that I am no longer that hurt girl. I stood by him during his stint in jail, which in turn cost him many opportunities for work due to his background. I stood by him paying for lawyers, daily necessities,food. Stood by him while he quit job,after job, because he was annoyed or tired of the co workers or whatever excuses he chose. For 9 years he didnt hold a steady job, ive held 2 jobs consistently and just supported his hopes and dreams and always stayed in his corner. While he cheated a few times as well.

Throughout the 1st year together I was diagnosed with PCOS. I gained 45lbs in under a year and was severely depressed. He started cheating on me after 4years of dating.

In 2015 after 6 years trying to conceive, I managed to lose 50lbs and got pregnant! We were over joyed and both felt like all the things we've done could be put past us.

After 13weeks we went in to follow up our blood test with an ultrasound and we were unable to hear a heartbeat..after I had the procedure and reality hit. we were both devastated. He shut me out, he bottled it up. Wouldnt talk about it with me and got annoyed when I spoke about the baby. I still remember the Estimated due date and celebrate the baby in my own way. He thinks I'm odd for my grieving methods.

In 2016 we got pregnant again with our son!

He was carried to term and is a happy and healthy baby who just turned 3 in August! 8 days after our first baby was set to be born. If that's not god💕

-filler- in 11 of our 12 years (minus the pregnant months) hes been extremely disrespectful, name calling. Reminds me I dont do enough, that I'm stupid. Since having my son its now evolved to comments about my mothering, my weight. Just really awful things infront of my son on some occasions as well.

He has cheated on me when our son was a year old as well.

Well now that ive said all of that., I am looking for advice on how to find my backbone. I feel like I'm sp focused on my son having us both than my own happiness and I know my son is feediny off of my energy. I want more children and the respect and love I deserve. I work hard and do the daily mom routine 100% alone while working 2 jobs as well. I dont know how to get over this fear of change. I dont want my son to resent me or his father for how we interact on occasion.

Sorry for the venting session...i dont get out much and I really dont tell anyone what Ive been going through.

I appreciate all you wonderful ladies advice and the sharing yall do as well💕