Anorexia and mental health.

Background: I was a dancer from ages 2 to 18 and it was treated like my life. It was more important than my social life, my school work, and even my mental health. I never really had any issues with my body until middle school. My gym teacher had told me I was overweight. At 5' 7" and 135 lbs I didnt really feel all that big. However I started to grow curves faster than the other dancers. I started to skip meals constantly. At one point i was eating only one small salad a day with only lettuce and ranch. It got to the point where teachers would have to watch me at lunch to make sure i ate. I admitted that i needed help and i eventually overcame my poor eating habits. However as i turned 16 i got a really bad kidney infection and missed a whole summers worth of training. This is also the time that my boobs decided to grow at epic proportions. In that summer i went from a B cup to a DD cups and my thighs and hips went up 2 sizes in jeans. Skip forward to regualr dance season and private lessons with my teacher. She would always tell me i need to lose weight and get in shape because i really let myself go during the summer. I didnt really have a large stomach or anything but she insisted i do excersise to make my boobs, thighs, and butt SMALLER. I didnt know what to think but all i knew is i was too big. She had even told me that the people making the costumes were getting tired of making everything bigger for me. Every other dancer was atleast 5 inches smaller than me or had a skinnier body type. I started struggling with eating again. No one knew because i was smarter about it. I went away for summer training again and ended up throwing up atleast one meal a day. With help from my friends i was able to get control of everything agaim. By the time i was reaching the end of mt dance career i had DDDs and i wore probably a 16-18 jean. At that point i was being told if i wanted to be a certain role in a ballet i had to lose weight to fit in the costume when in reality the only thing that didnt fit was my boobs. I no longer dance anymore because of how it affected me mentally but Here is where i am stuck: i hate my stomach and i want it to be flat but i am afraid to diet because i dont want to get caught up in my bad eating habits again. When it comes to working out i get discouraged because i hate my body so much. I dont know what to do anymore. I just want to love my body and be happy and confident. It just sucks because my brain is stuck with the thought that im too big no matter what.