Severe PPD

I am still struggling with severe postpartum depression. I’ve seen doctors, tried meds, support groups.... it’s just not getting any better. I love my son but I wish he would just disappear. I need help. I’m rotting from the inside out. And moms out there can relate? Or second time moms that can tell me when it gets better? I am so distant and not bonded to my baby. I wish I never did this