This shit is TOXIC and somehow I still can’t give up.

Let me start by saying I am solely writing this because I’m frustrated about not having sex in god knows how long so ultimately my mind is in a tornado and there is so much I’m irritated about but the sex thing is throwing me over. My gf of almost 4yrs and I are definitely going through a storm. But it’s like we’re always going through a storm. This particular storm started after she went lurking through the my eyes only section of my Snapchat where she saw videos from over a year ago of me dancing on my friends and sister at my birthday party. Mind you there were no strings attached with any of the dancing it was just good clean fun. But she took me dancing on them as cheating. So she’s convinced I am just a cheater and that she can’t trust me whatever. Although I don’t see it as a big deal, I understood her perspective and felt the situation was not worth forfeiting my relationship for. I have manifested and shifted my lifestyle focus elsewhere and am not a really on the scene kinda girl anymore but who doesn’t love a good time every once in awhile. I say all of this to say, she is holding this party from over a year ago over my head. I’m a cheater in her eyes. She also has a deep hatred towards my sister, my best friend and some of my other close friends so as far as spending time with them, hosting events in my home and inviting them she has a problem with it. It’s stressful as hell and annoying and frustrating and actually hurts my feelings because these group of amazing people have been in my life forever. They were there when I was being stupid and stood by her after finding out she catfishes me 9yrs of our life together. She has done some dirt and often hurts me and walks away and I always chase her, hence the title, this is some toxic shit and I know it’s toxic but I genuinely love her and we live together in our first apartment and when things are good between us they are really good but this situation is taking a toll on me because she’s so distant from me especially intimately. We’ve gone through a drought before over some dumb shit but this, her thinking I’m a cheater and all I did was dance on some people is a reach. I feel like she’s hiding something I just feel like there’s more to the story. Not to mention we’ve had an issue where she lacked understanding of the lingo in which friends, family and people in passing/on social media use on a day to day basis. Pet names like boo and hun and love and such, it irks her so to my best ability I stop it and refrain from saying it to others but she recently has been extra friendly with some people that she met over the interweb using the same dialect but scolded me for what others were doing. I also found out she had been speaking with several people I had asked her not to including this one female who publicly pronounced her feelings and intentions for/with her on Twitter! She not only was being called these pet names but was doing the calling as well. She gives me a hard time often about this shit and I feel so stupid for fighting for this relationship but here I am so caught up in it and in love and scared of being without her. I feel so crazy and ridiculous. There is so much I could type but I’m facing that frustrating gut feeling right now and just want to break down or catch a flight somewhere beautiful and forget everything and fast forward to when this shit doesn’t hurt or phase me. I just want to scream.