Disgusted

So, this isn't for sympathy this is for help. I need help because I'm completely disgusted with my body, my weight, and just everything. My weight is now 185. This is the highest it's ever been and I'm 19. Well. I just got back from a vacation where I walked every day for over 12 hours a day, for 5 days. And boy was I hurting each day but I did it. I thought this would help me lose weight but I didn't? I only gained. And now I'm so disgusted with myself. And I hate my body. And the way it looks and the way I feel. And like, I used to look so good but now I just don't anymore. Like, I don't even let my boyfriend see me in my underwear. He has to close his eyes. And I used to feel so happy but I don't. Not anymore. I've been trying to lose weight but I haven't. And my body is just one fucked up thing after another. My periods are irregular af. So I'm always worried about an accidental pregnancy even though the res like no chance. And ever time I try to get on birth control it just doesn't happen. And like, I just want to go back down to 160. That was my perfect weight but now I'm just not looking good. Or feeling good. How do I lose weight? How do I regulate my period And how can I get on birth control without my family there? I just need help. Like a lot of it. Because no matter what I'm just gross and disgusting to myself. I just need help man. 😢 help me Please.