My Whole Being is Exhausted

I know I just wrote about feeling great yesterday and I did felt great but then today is a different day and another one to bear the struggles of life.

The other night hubby told me about sis in law being pregnant but he said he wasnt sure if he was joking or what. Overall feeling is that Im happy for them and good for them. Same reaction I had when my other sister in law broke the news of her second pregnancy and how fast it happened for them when she just got off the pill for like a month.

I never wrote about this before but theres been a growing frustration of trying to conceive on our part for over a year now. When we decided its time to try 2 years into the marriage we had ourselves checked and I had a bit of an infection but nothing serious and it went away after some medication. At the same time we also found out that theres a problem on the motility and some abnormalities on his sperm. There was also an issue of some valve in relation to the temperature of the sperms. They just kept coming.. Making it difficult for us to conceive. I got really depressed and frustrated even had a bit of a problem on having sex because i'm mentally just not in there.

He was prescribed to take some supplement on getting them healthy and see it if would work and that would solve the problem. He was on it for like a couple of weeks and religiously followed instructions even stopped drinking and all. But then did not come back to follow up to get another test if it worked or not.

At the same time I was delayed for over a month but did not check anymore because its so frustrating for me to be checking every month and it would literally make me cry getting a negative test over and over. In the end I tested and it was a negative but had to go to the doctors to check whats going on. Ive been regular for the past months and I was also documenting it in glow to keep track. In the end it turns out that I have 2 cysts on my right ovary thats affected my cycle. She prescribed me then something to induce bleeding and hopefully the it would dissolve the cysts as well although idk how. After like a week or so of taking this medication I started bleeding. To my surprise tho there was a huge chunk of tissue that looks like its a sac. Before those came out I felt a lot of pain in my abdomen. IDK looked like I had a freaking miscarriage looking at that thing. But anyway, quite a bit of a long shot as well because of our fertility problems.

Since then I havent gone back to the doctor. I just felt hopeless. Started a business to distract myself and all tried to do things -- but the relief would only last for a bit til Im down on the ground again. i got off social media because everyone is just pregnant and having children while Im sitting here watching these beautiful moments they have that I wish I would have one day. Sometimes I feel disconnected even more as well with my husband because when we talk about it he starts getting annoyed and sounding like he's offended because he would say its his" problem and then I would feel bad why I even brought it up. But then he does not do anything about it either. Its just all talk. On the other hand i'm literally just hanging in there.. on my sanity, whatevers left. but on top of that there are also other things that Im going through and Im just so overwhelmed.