First of all i'm sorry if this will be long.

I'm sitting here, 3 months after giving birth, thinking about how i'd give anything to have a do-over of the day i gave birth to my daughter.

I'll start by telling you how until 2 days before giving birth i was 100% sure that i'll give birth naturally since my baby was head down so i didn't even think that a c-section could even be a possibility at this stage. Well, it was actually the only possibility according to my doctor.

So, 2 days before giving birth i went in for an ultrasound and the doctor said that because my baby is in a posterior position ( meaning facing towards my belly instead of my back) i had to have a c-section. I wrote on here and asked for opinions and of course, just like i knew, it was possible to give birth vaginally but i moved to Turkey a few years ago and here apparently no doctor wants to risk putting the baby in danger and in this situation they directly go for a c-section. The moment i found out i started searching like crazy different doctors for at least one different opinion but to my disappointment none agreed with me. During those 2 days i tried everything, walking on all fours, spinningbabies website positions, walking, squatting, i did everything i found that could change her position but to no success.

So 2 days later i went for another ultrasound and the baby was in the same position so my doctor said that either i go for the c-section that was planned for that day, or go home and 1 week later i will be forced to come since 41 weeks was the latest she would let me go over but if i did that i would put my baby to risk and if i did go into labor i would need an emergency c-section.

I remember sitting in that hallway and crying my eyes out not knowing what to do, feeling like i'm letting everyone down, my husband, my doctor, my baby so i decided to go for it.

I decided to have the c-section that day and it wasn't horrible, the pain was manageable, my baby didn't struggle but i still can't get over it. I remember being tied on the table and having horrible pain in my chest, seeing my baby for 1 second before they took her away and then waiting for them to finish closing me for getting to actually spend time with her. After i got back in the room i wanted to do skin to skin but nurses said to leave her dressed because she can get a cold, and then my husband mostly held her. Then the breastfeeding nurse came in and just pulled and squeezed my breasts horribly for my milk to come which didn't until i came home.

The custom here is that after you give birth you have all the family/friends visit you so 1 hour after i gave birth everyone was there in my room, holding my baby with whom i didn't even get time to bond with. This happened for the next 2 days until i was dismissed and sent home, i struggled with being bloated because i couldn't pass gas with everyone there, i couldn't relax and try to breastfeed, i couldn't even hold my baby, i had people come over and cuddle her more than me, children playing there, yelling, laughing, talking, eating, everything. Not to say that she had problems with her oxygen levels and when they put her on oxygen they scraped her skin which left a mark that she still has.

Since then it didn't get easier, my baby suffers from silent reflux and has allergies to many things besides cow milk protein. I sometimes blame the c-section because i know that a vaginal birth helps her build gut bacteria that helps with these problems. Maybe i'm wrong but i really took care of myself during pregnancy and ate healthy, never smoked or drank. I couldn't breastfeed her for more than 2 weeks because the reflux makes it very hard for her to lay in any position or be in my arms so i am pumping and giving it to her in a bottle, i'm on a soy free, dairy free, gluten free, fructose free, egg free, nut free diet and it doesn't help at all, also tried hypolergenic formula and she was exactly the same. I honestly just want to go back in time, give birth to my baby and hold her and do all the things that this experience took from us.

I think a c-section is the best for anyone who wants it but for me it feels like they just took my baby and with my baby part of me that i'll never get back. I used to read birth stories, now i can't read one without crying, i can't even look at my pregnancy pictures without feeling like this.

And no one understands, everyone says i should be thankful that i have a healthy baby, and that i've recovered well,how lucky i am that i didn't struggle for hours, and that it all passed so i shouldn't think about it. I just can't get over it and i don't know what to do.

Did anyone struggle like me or am i just being ungrateful? I know many women end up having way more horrible birth experiences or emergency c-sections so compared to that i know i've had it easy but i can"t stop feeling very down.