This week has been super painful, after seeing my baby’s heartbeat last week yesterday 10/21/19 the heartbeat was no longer there. I had another sonogram bc I was put on bed rest due to light spotting last week. I was excited to see my baby again bc the spotting stopped and I had no idea all that was about to come.

I laid there on the cold table devastated and inconsolable. How could I still be carrying my baby who has passed away? I couldn’t understand and at moment. My doctor sent me for a 2nd sonogram to confirm “fetal demise”. My head was spinning, what the heck does fetal demise mean? It seems like a harsh way of describing this unforeseen death of my baby. My 2nd sono was worst than the 1st to confirm my baby’s death, such a long time waiting to be called back then 45 minutes of scanning and pictures taken, waiting for review of what was taken to ensure that it was enough to confirm death of my baby.

Then came the discussion of options...options of how to allow my baby’s body to leave my body. My baby whose heartbeat was recorded last week is now being talked about as a foreign object in my body that needs to be removed by nature or medically controlled environment. How do you choose? My heart hurt discussing options but it also is painful knowing that I am still carrying my angel. I am grateful that I have time to grieve and know that I can control the future a bit that will allow testing of my baby to see if there was any possible reason for my baby’s death.

Tonight, as I write this I am still carrying my baby with an appointment for a D&C Thursday. I am still scared to pass the baby at home, the trauma of seeing all the tissue would be overwhelming. All the people that I have encountered have told me not to blame myself. My head hears and logically understands that I did nothing to cause this but my heart is broken. We were so excited for a baby in our family as the only other child is my son who is 14 years old. He is taking it hard, but is more concerned bc he rarely sees me so devastated and upset, I am the strong one. Right now I don’t know how to be strong.

The hopes and dreams of a sweet angel to come into our lives is gone. The pain I see in my family’s eyes is hard too, they were excited and happy for us. I feel like they are disappointed. Though my husband has been with me throughout this process, I feel so alone. I am not sure this is a normal feeling, but it is my experience. Any prayers welcome. I know this may not flow as well as I would have liked, I just wanted to get it all out.