Irregular periods can F off... I’m so over this

My periods are stupidly irregular. My longest cycle this year was 117 days and my shortest was 13. Randomly I’ll have 2-3 cycles in a row that are 28-32 days and think oh I finally made the right change to my diet/habits/stress or whatever then back to nothing for forever and a half. My husband and I have been talking about TTC a second baby and just thinking about how hard it could be now combined with the “scare” most months of did we accidentally conceive earlier than anticipated drives me insane 😭 Not to mention the insanity of taking tests just to see nothing every single time and still waiting 1-3 more weeks for my period to randomly arrive. 7 days late now and test is blatantly negative so it’s another long cycle apparently.

I just needed to vent. My OB doesn’t have many options for me because pills didn’t help (we tried) and my medical history limits what types of BC I can try anyhow. She says I don’t have PCOS officially but even if I did she wouldn’t have anything else to offer for me to help right now unless I want to actively TTC then she’ll give me fertility meds.

I just want a normal cycle so I don’t have to constantly worry about what the hell my body is doing and if I’m pregnant without knowing or some crazy stuff like that (triple whammy, I also have an anxiety disorder so can’t help but worry about things that make ZERO sense to worry about like being pregnant and not knowing...). Just having a hard time accepting I’ll probably never be “normal” again and need to let go of that expectation. 😪