I don’t know how I even got here. I’ve come to a point where nothing makes me happy. Not my life. Not my son. Not my partner. Not even our new puppy that we specifically bought as my emotional support animal....I can’t stand what I’ve become. Everyone always talks about “those people” the kind who just love to complain. Who love the drama. Who are just plain hateful. Who find something wrong with absolutely everything because they’re so miserable with their own lives. You know the kind....

I feel like I’m one of THOSE. But I’m not happy with who I am or how I act at all. And I’m not spewing hate or living for the dramatics....I’m genuinely struggling. I don’t want to be this way. But does that make me any different? I feel like all I’m doing is creating a distance between me and my family. I can’t function. All I want to do is sleep. But how can I when I have a home to take care? A son to watch over. A man to feed. A dog to walk. I’ve gone above and beyond what I can physically muster up everyday for them. And it’s almost as if I am resenting them for it. But why?!!! WHY DO I FEEL THIS WAY! Is it bc I’m tired of automatically going to sadness? I know for sure I’m tired of crying. Breaking down every day. But is anger really my only other option? I know within my soul that I love my little family. Deep down under all this pain that’s clouding the good in me....I know I do. But I’m running myself ragged. And honestly, I’m tired.

Exhausted.

If I could be perfectly honest...sometimes I wish I could be like one of those other dead beat parents who can just run away and not look back. Or maybe even end it all COMPLETELY....But because I love my family way too much, I can’t do that. So instead all I do is cry. Nothing changes. No problems disappear. Nothing gets easier. There is no relief after a good cry. It’s been an everyday struggle for going on 2 months. I feel like when searching for silver linings I’m grasping at thin air.

I’m sorry if i sound selfish. I’m sorry if I sound ungrateful. I’m sorry if I sound childish. But to admit such things in person to people around me seems impossible to do. Without judgement. Without being treated like an unstable nut case. Without breaking the heart of the ones I love that I could even feel like that towards them. Without making anyone feel guilty for what’s ailing me. I used this platform to vent and vent alone.