I won’t go into a lot of back story but 2 weeks ago my husband completely betrayed my trust. He’s an alcoholic. On one of the worst drinking days he’s ever had, he texted another woman and asked her to send him pictures of her boobs. She didn’t, but he sent multiple messages trying to convince her. This may not be cheating to some, but to me it is. Now mind you - I had given birth to our baby 7 weeks before this. So my self esteem is at an all time low. I am not a large chested woman. I’m a 32C and just overall pretty petite. I’ve always been self conscious about my boobs because I know he’s a boob guy and I’m just not gifted in that department. He said things to this woman that I can’t get out of my head. She is 21 years older than me (she has grandkids older than our baby) and she’s probably 80 pounds heavier. But she has giant boobs. When she told him she’s too fat right now to send him any pictures, my husband proceeded to tell her that her boobs were all he could look at when he was at her house helping her husband cut down a tree and she was in the pool. He also told her he thinks he’s into bigger women and told her how great she looks.

I haven’t heard anything close to that from my husband in over a year. The next day when he had sobered up and realized what he had done, he explained to me that none of that was true. That he was just drunk and he didn’t even know why he texted her and didn’t remember doing it. I feel like a drunk mind speaks sober thoughts. I’m having a very hard time believing he’d go out of his way to compliment someone like that...tell them he’s into bigger women...without there being truth to it. He was devastated at the thought of me leaving him. I’ve never seen him cry before this. He went into full on panic attacks when I would leave to go to the store or meet a friend for lunch because he didn’t think I was coming back.

I agreed to stay. And now I’m starting to wonder if that was the right decision. I am trying to get past things. But I truthfully don’t know if I can or how to do it. I am so angry and resentful. He told me that years ago...well before he and I ever met, she did send him pictures of her boobs. There were never any other pictures between the two of them and they’ve never slept together or even sexted. Which I believe. But she’s been married for 30 years...so clearly she doesn’t have any respect for marriage and what it stands for. He deleted her number and also her husband’s because I told her he’ll never be speaking to or seeing her again if he expects me to stay around. These are people whose house I’ve been to. Friends. We’ve gone out to play pool with them before. Last night he took me to dinner...the first time we’ve gotten a sitter and gone anywhere without the baby. We were only gone about an hour but it felt great and I thought maybe I could do it. Then when we got home and were sitting on the couch he told me my hair looked nice. And I broke down and went off. He was trying to compliment me and all that I could think about was how he could say all those nice things to this woman...this woman who could pretty much be my mother and is severely overweight that he claims he’s really not attracted to and it was “just a boobs thing” and all I get is “your hair looks nice.” I knew it was ridiculous to react that way to a compliment but it didn’t feel like a compliment when this other woman got to hear so much more than what I am ever told: He understood where I’m coming from but it doesn’t fix the problem. And though we talked and moved on, again I’m still resentful. We’ve only had sex twice in the last 3 weeks. I feel disgusting. I feel like I’m not at all what he wants in a woman.

If you’ve read this far, kudos because I know I just wrote a book. I don’t even know what I’m looking for writing this honestly...I just needed to get it all out there.