Disconnected from Newborn

I feel like a complete piece of trash writing this. I had my baby October 30th. It didn’t go as planned at all. Two failed epidurals. IV pain medication didn’t work. Pitocin on full blast and I wasn’t dilating.

I ended up have to be put under anesthesia for a c-section. No skin-to-skin.

My whole pregnancy, I was excited and waiting for the day I finally got to meet my baby. My very own that I had carried 9 months and tried to get pregnant for a year.

Hours later I finally got to meet my baby.

I did not feel an immediate connection.

He’s now a week old, and I still feel no connection or bond with him. I cry everyday because I am so overwhelmed and feel like I don’t love him enough. Or that I have to love him. And I feel like a complete piece of shit.

I’ve been told my whole pregnancy that when you first get to hold your baby; you fall completely in love with them and the world just stop around you. The feeling of complete euphoria, like nothing else matters. Where was this for me?

Why do I feel this way?