At 14 years old I was like any other girl. I met a boy, he was a year older than me, he was the first boy to show me any attention and we started to hang out together after school. He was my first kiss and I liked him, I trusted him. Then one day we went to his house after school, his sister and his parents were downstairs, his door wasnt even fully closed. We were kissing and he put his hand down my pants, I stiffened up and pressed my legs together and I said No. I wasn't ready for anything more. He didn't listen, he ripped my tights down and my underwear and pushed himself inside me. I couldn't move. He had my wrists pinned down but the pain was not in my wrists, I felt like I was being torn in two, I couldn't scream I just lay there like I was paralysed, I don't know why I didn't scream, in that moment i just felt so crippled with shock, pain and fear, its like I was watching what was happening from above.
Afterwards he got up and he told me to get up.. I did, I didn't think twice I just did what he said in a numb daze. Then he casually stripped his bed sheet off like nothing had happened. There was blood on me, on his bed sheet. I just stood there like a zombie. I don't even remember how I left that house, I just remember walking to my house in a daze. I got home earlier than I said I would i smiled weakly and pretended I was ill, I sat in a boiling hot bath and I just remember scrubbing my body until it was red raw. I threw up, a lot and took the next day off school, I hid the bruises on my wrists with long sleeved hoodie's and tops and I muddled through. Jason was his name. I never spent time with him after that, if I saw him at school I turned the other way. He never spoke to me either. It was as though he had done what he wanted with my body and now he wasn't bothered by me, he raped me and he didn't ever try to justify what he did, he just pretended I didn't exist.. This was fine with me because I didn't want him near me. As he was older it was only really lunch times we would cross paths. Maybe that's why I stopped eating and started smoking instead, to avoid crossing paths with my rapist.
I don't know how I managed it but I got through high school, I even managed to have sex, properly. Its like I pretended I hadn't lost my virginity to rape. Like I had put it in a box and pretended it didn't happen.
I'm 26 now. I have never told a soul what happened to me that day, yet I remember it like it was yesterday. I got married in August, The last few months I've been having horrible flashbacks of the day I got raped. I feel like I'm in that room sometimes. Other than feeling chlostrophobic, having issues with trusting others & freaking out if anyone tries to touch my wrists or pin my wrists down, I've been able to deal with what happened until now.
Why am I having flashbacks now? After all this time?
I'm not sure why I'm posting, maybe to get it off my chest because I don't think I will ever find the strength to tell anyone I know about this, maybe to see if anyone else has had a similar experience of rape or sexual assault. Maybe to just tell my story to someone because I need to be heard even if it's anonymously, my story needs to be told, for me. For Closure?