Please no judgment this is a vent

I am hoping this feeling passes fast because I feel guilty for feeling this way, and upset at the same time because I miss the way things were.

But why? I wanted this ? We tried for her. We wanted her. We were excited.

And seeing my husband being a great father helps tremendously because I want to be happy for him.

But I can’t help myself and think about all the stuff I feel robbed from ( which I know is a ridiculous statement because I chose this) I literally am counting the days and years till I am free to be with just my husband and she will be old enough to be left at home alone. And it feels sooo wrong. I keep looking at other parents and seeing how happy they are and wanting more kids but I can’t even imagine having anymore although my husband wants a son really bad and I want to give him that but I don’t think I can be a good enough mother to one let enough two.

I just want to enjoy this I want to feel happy. I don’t mind the dirty diapers and sleepless nights but there’s this feeling inside every time I go in her nursery and I pick her up.

What’s getting me through is how much I love my husband, I literally can’t explain how much I love him because it’s that much. And seeing him happy with her is what is helping me get thru the day and see the positives but when he’s not there it makes it sooo hard and the tears won’t go away. The first three days home I literally couldn’t stop crying. No matter how I tried I couldnt. And the past two days I have been fighting the tears back and trying to reinforce my mind with positive affirmations but it’s so hard.

Please let this feeling end.