Holy crap. It doesn’t feel real. Over 20 years ago my own father molested me. Multiple times. Once when my own mother was home at the time. I developed a drug problem early on as a result and when I told my mom about what happened she didn’t believe me and called me a worthless junkie. I was so hurt by her not believing me, doing nothing about it and being so very alone that I went deeper into the drugs. In rehab years later I confronted my dad about the abuse and he blamed alcohol as the reason why he did this. “That’s why I don’t drink hard liquor anymore” like that was a legitimate excuse and reason and his apology consisted of “I’m sorry if I’m the reason you are here.” Luckily I had the wherewithal to confront him in front of my assigned counselor at the treatment center and this statement was ultimately his downfall along with my husband’s testimony of when he confronted him too and he said he “didn’t remember it happening that way” instead of just flat out denying it like any sane person would do if they were indeed innocent.

The worst part that will stick with me despite us getting a guilty verdict is when he scoffed at me while I was sitting on the stand and crying while relaying what had happened to me. He couldn’t address me directly in that courtroom but he sighed, tutted, scoffed and rolled his eyes. I was shaking furious but I kept myself in check somehow and didn’t throw the water pitcher sitting next to me at his face. The other worst part was the fact that my own mother paid for his (very expensive) lawyer and testified against me. She admitted I had told her all those years ago but she called me a liar and an attention seeker. This hurt more than anyone will ever know and it disgusts me that people like that exist, let alone it was my own mother who gave birth to me and was supposed to protect me.

I guess I’m just venting because I don’t know how I feel yet about it but PLEASE. If any child ever discloses to you anything suspicious like this... believe them! Before I came out at 16 and flat out told her he molested me, I told her when I was 9 that he walked around naked around the house while she was gone. I told her a very tiny portion of what was going on and she dismissed me immediately saying “oh surely he was just in his underwear” and upon me insisting he was in fact naked she said “I’m sure it wasn’t that bad, I’ll talk to him about wearing more clothes”. If you even suspect something or a red flag is raised, be open, be available and be that child’s advocate. Please, don’t let that child have to go through years more of abuse and potentially throw their lives away on drugs because they are coping with something so incredibly painful and have no one they can trust to help them.

Sorry for the lengthy post. Had to get that out somewhere!

UPDATE 1

To the woman “Maria” who wanted to know what I got out of putting him in jail and why I couldn’t just let him live his life: I was 7 when it started and 11 when it ended. I was a child. How DARE you think it’s ok for ANYONE, let alone that person’s actual father, to sexually assault a CHILD. I was not the only one he had done this to either so saying something even after all these years can help keep other children safe and give those other girls who were also abused the courage to say something themselves and move on with their lives even if they don’t have the strength to press charges themselves. You are the most fucked up human being and I am so disappointed that you find this acceptable on any level at all. You’re disgusting and I sincerely hope you never know what it is like to feel so helpless for so long and petrified of holding someone accountable for their crimes. You should not be allowed around children yourself if you find this acceptable at all and you are just as sick as he is.

Update 2

Thank you so so much for your words of encouragement. This was the hardest thing I have ever done and can definitely tell you the number one reason besides the overwhelming doubt that they will be convicted is that this is a family matter and with that comes division, hard feelings and absolute hate from those whom it was never your intention to hurt. I avoided it for years just trying to spare my mom the embarrassment and I knew that she could potentially slide with him but ultimately I needed to do this so that I could move on. When I had my son, things became so much clearer. The first thing I said to him was a promise to always protect and act in his best interest, o matter what that means for me. He is mine to love and protect. It then set in the full scale of what my dad did to me. How could he knowingly ruin something so pure? So innocent?! It’s not ok. I go back and forth between feelings sorry for him and hating him completely. He is facing 8-24 years for what he did. Sentencing is at the end of January. That’s not a small amount of time but I also know people go to prison for lesser charges who get crazy amounts of time.

As for Maria- she deleted her reply real quick when I called her out. I didn’t give her much time because I was still scrolling flow after I posted but it should still be in my notifications. I’ll ss. This is another big reason people don’t come forward. Complete strangers make judgements about them whether they think they are lying or that they should have just let it lay. My Aunt did the same thing. She said that he probably should have been put in jail years ago but for the sake of my mom I should have just let it go. I’m glad I didn’t listen. We need to support each other in these extremely hurtful situations, not bring them down further.