For starters, I'm bisexual and living with sexual assault related ptsd, amongst other mental illnesses. I have a boyfriend of almost 2 years who I love very much. we're both 19.

I just don't really like sex. I feel like something's wrong with me. Sometimes I wonder if it'd be easier if he had a vagina too. I subconsciously hold my breath and clench my body a lot during sex when I'm getting close to finishing, but it takes a lot to finally get me there. This process is really tiring, and I usually just give up because I put myself through so much discomfort.

I could probably count on my hands how many times my boyfriend has made me finish in our 2 years together. Sex mostly only happens nowadays just because I want to please him, I don't really want anything out of it anymore even if he really doesn't mind trying as much as I'm willing to for myself. I'm repeatedly guilty of rushing myself and getting frustrated with myself. I always feel like I'm wasting his time/energy when he pleases me.

My antidepressants have completely slaughtered my sex drive, but I'm not financially in a position to fix that until next year. I *want* to really enjoy sex but I just don't know how. It all just feels like acting right now. I feel like this is entirely a "me" problem. I also feel like I've always felt awkward with him and sex, and I wonder if it's our chemistry or my high expectations of myself to execute everything perfectly. I get embarrassed really easily and it prevents me from trying anything new. When things (i.e. new positions, ideas) don't go to plan, I'm too scared to tweak them for a next time.

I always skip foreplay because it doesn't feel important. I'm always in a rush to satisfy him.

Where do I go from here??