A long story, I apologize......

When I was young (till about age 6) my dad and I were best friends. He was my hero. He would take me out of school for “doctors appointments” just to spend the day with me. He’d send my mom on girls weekends and play with me and my brother the whole time, always enjoying every minute and never referring to it as “babysitting.” He was genuinely an amazing dad.

Between 6-9 I noticed something was wrong, but no more than a little kid does. We were moving a lot, mom and dad fought a lot, dad always was sick. He was always bringing around men that talked a little too loud, got a little too close to me and my little brother. We weren’t allowed in our barn (which was our favorite play space) and rooms of the house that were normally unlocked became shut up under lock and key.

At 10, My mom woke us up in the middle of the night and rushed us to the neighbors. We stayed there for a while, we didn’t ask my mom what was going on. I think we knew.

My dad had a serious drug and alcohol problem. He had shut the heat off in the house, walked out, and forged my moms signature for $10000 of credit cards for him and his mistress. My mom, a stay at home wife/mom for 14 years, worked 3 jobs scrubbing toilets to put food on the table. All of this happened around thanksgiving.

We moved away, and my mom became my hero, truly. She put herself through school, worked 60 hours a week, and still found time to be a loving, doting mother to us. She never talked badly about my dad, and encouraged us to stay in contact with him. He didn’t pay a dime of child support but I never found that out until I was an adult.

My dad wanted nothing to do with us. He fought to keep our two dogs, and told my mom to keep us, 2000 miles away. I reached out so many times over the years as an older kid. I offered for him to come to my graduation, he cancelled the day before because his girlfriend broke up with him. I reached out after I got married to see if he wanted to meet my husband, he called me “evil” for not inviting him to my wedding in the first place (we eloped, even my mom wasn’t there). When I was 21 I reached out again to ask for nothing other than friendship- I was an adult and needed nothing from him but wanted his companionship in my life. He constantly shit talked my mom and when I told him to stop he said I was “brainwashed” and cut off all contact again. My heart broke every time that a man I needed nothing from other than love couldn’t even do that. I followed his footsteps to be a business woman, I had a happy marriage and college education, I was close with my brother and mom and a good kid. I thought “how could I make it any easier for him to love me?”

Now, around the holidays, I want nothing more than my dad. I’ve been TTC for 2 years and I want him to be a grandpa. I want to have him here for Christmas, tell me he’s proud of me, tell me he loves me. I know reaching out won’t do anything. I vainly think if I reach out to tell him I’m pregnant (when the time comes) that he’ll change, but I know it is not true.

I want a dad for Christmas- sometimes even more than a baby. For those of you with great dads- or whose SO is a great dad- give them hugs for me. Tell them you love them. It fills me with joy to see the amazing dads of Glow. I can’t wait for my husband to be one of them💕