My daughter turned 2 months old yesterday. She is my first. I am in a funky situation right now. Currently staying with my parents, and my partner sleeps here with us most nights.

I have a history of anxiety and depression, and for the past 2 months I’ve felt myself slowly slipping. Most of the time I’ve been able to find things to get me out of it. Things to look forward to (like my daughters dad coming over at night). I feel like it’s saved me. Every now and then he stays home and sleeps/takes time for himself.. and I lose it. I can’t stop crying and feel hopeless if I think I won’t be able to sleep next to him or have him here. It’s taking a toll on our relationship. As time has gone on, after giving birth, I’ve felt like I’m sinking deeper into this hole. Im afraid one day I’ll wake up and not be able to get out. It doesn’t help that my daughter seems to be colicky and screams and cries most of the day and evening. It’s exhausting. I’m supposed to go back to work in a week and I’m terrified to leave her. Especially with the colic. I’m afraid who ever is watching her won’t be able to deal with it. Sometimes she just needs to be held, rocked or walked around, kisses and talked to. I feel as her momma, I comfort her best because I instinctively know what she needs.

Also I’m feeling some serious guilt and I feel like a failure when it comes to breastfeeding. For the most part, I pump and bottle feed. Sometimes she will nurse a little from me but she usually falls asleep or gets impatient. I started pumping and bottle feeding when she was about 1 or 2 weeks old. When she was born she was 5lbs 9oz at 39 weeks and 3 days. She was a peanut. I needed to make sure she was getting the food she needed to be healthy and gain weight so I started pumping and bottle feeding. Well, she got used to the bottle (and loves her binky) and seems to prefer those over my boob. It hurts me so much. I think my boyfriend is bothered by it too. I want her to nurse from me so bad. I thought I was doing what was best for her, by pumping and bottle feeding. Ugh. I just feel like a failure and am insecure about it.

I feel so alone and just wondered if anyone can relate