To start off, I've been struggling with depression and anxiety my whole life, even through my pregnancy I experienced some episodes.

Almost 4 weeks ago, I gave birth to my first baby, and my whole family was so excited to meet her. They've been so supportive and adore her so much. And I love that they love her so much. But they always want to hold her when they get the chance, and it makes me sad to hand her off. They ask almost constantly for her and I feel bad because I don't want to give her to them most times. Is it wrong for me to be selfish? I had what felt like a traumatic labor and am going through postpartum. Personally I feel that I have a right to want her, since I carried her for 9 long months and I was the one that went through the hard labor. But I don't know if that's just the postpartum thinking.

Now yesterday, I got into an argument with my husband and had a major anxiety attack/ depression wave that I'm still riding. And it made me realize that my baby doesn't need me. She doesn't need me at all because she has other people that can take care of her and she would be better off without me. So now I just don't want to hold her anymore or be near her, and am starting to have suicidal thoughts again... Honestly I don't know what's worse, being too clingy or not wanting her.