Drugs and marriage

For about a year my husband has been addicted to meth. His mom passed away about a year and a half ago and he’s been spiraling downhill ever since. I have tried so hard to help him, but it’s like no matter what I do it ends badly. When he’s using he gets angry at everything I say or do. If I ask him a question about literally anything he refuses to answer it and tells me it’s none of my business. I’m not allowed to bring up the drugs or anything he does because of it. Then if he gets mad he calls me fat and tells me he hates me, doesn’t love me anymore, and doesn’t want to be with me. He will leave in the middle of the night and shut his phone off when I try to call him. While he’s up all night he watches porn non stop and goes on dating websites. He tells me he will never cheat on me and I do believe that, but whenever he gets mad the first thing he says is that he’s going to cheat on me. He’s obsessed with trying to have sex with me and goes to sex shops and buys very large sex toys and tries to use them on me. I’m not interested in those things (no shade to anyone who is, it’s just not something I enjoy) He’s spent around 2,000 dollars on sex toys because anytime he’s remotely sober he throws them away and says he doesn’t know why he buys them. When he’s using he’s also obsessed with trying to get me to have a threesome with another guy, with a large penis. He’s always thought he has a small penis, even though I’ve never thought so or said he did. I really like his penis, and I tell him that all the time, but he’s got himself convinced that it’s small and I don’t like it. He says I’m just lying because the girls in the porn are so loud and are enjoying it. But then when he’s sober he says he definitely doesn’t want that and is glad I keep saying no. But cut back to when he is using he tells me he just says that because if he’s sober he’s too embarrassed to tell me he really wants to do it. But the worst thing to me is that he tells me he does meth because of me. He will say that if I were to leave him he knows he can get sober, so I say I’ll leave. I don’t have anywhere I can just up and go to, the house we live in was given to him after his mom passed and I don’t have any family in the state anymore. But always a few days later he breaks down and cries about how he needs me and wants to stop. I always tell him if he truly doesn’t love me we can get a divorce, but it’s like he uses it as a game. He’ll say he wants one when it’s late in the day or the weekend when the courthouse is closed. He’ll say he’s going first thing, but then when it’s time he says he doesn’t want one. I know people will think I’m crazy for not leaving him but for some reason I hold onto him coming out of this and being the person he was before. Everyone is his life has abandoned him and he literally has no one. Has anyone ever been with a meth addict and they’ve gotten sober? Is there honestly any hope? Or anything I could do? I really don’t know where to turn because I don’t really have any friends. I’ve not told anyone any of this stuff. I don’t know how much longer he will be alive living this way, but I just don’t know what to do. I wake up every day and go to see if he’s alive. I literally pray that he gets arrested and goes to jail so he may stop. I feel so alone and it’s like every couple of days the person I love makes an appearance and I have hope. His family thinks he will eventually “pull his head out of his ass” and I just need to be patient for that. They’ve all been with their spouses while they’ve been an addict and just waited for them to get through it. But I feel like I’m against the world. He can get the drugs from so many places. Literally our neighbors, or people at his work, almost seems like everyone he knows really. He will reach out to a few people for help but what can they really do? They act like they care but they don’t want to get involved nor should they have to. I just am feeling so alone and have no where to turn.