I was starving my precious rainbow baby 😭

My daughter was born last Wednesday at 39w4d. At just 5lb 13oz, she was in the 8th percentile. Though small, she was proportional and healthy. I had always planned on breastfeeding, and thankfully on day 1 she started latching pretty well.

By the 2nd night in the hospital, things got harder. She constantly fussed and wanted to feed. She stayed latched for shorter periods and would be giving all the hunger signs hourly (or less) throughout the night. I was awake all night breastfeeding and trying to soothe her. The nurses and the lactation consultant all said things were going well. “This happens their 2nd day.” “She’s cluster feeding.” “She’s probably fussing because of gas.” “She’s got a good latch most of the time, so keep it up.” When they weighed her again, she was down to 5lb 6oz, but the weight loss was in the normal range. When being discharged on Friday, the hospital doctor’s only concern was a jaundice level on the high side of normal, so they suggested we make our pediatrician appointment for the weekend rather than waiting for Monday just in case the level increased.

Our first night home was a repeat of the prior night, and I didn’t sleep a wink. My daughter seemed to be too fussy to feed and would reject my breast more quickly into a feeding than before. I was miserable and wondering if it was because she hated the nipple cream or the rough texture from all the chafing. Thankfully we had the pediatric appointment in the morning. By that time she had lost another 4 ounces, and the doctor had us start formula supplementation every 2-3 hours and instructed me to start pumping to make up for the decrease in breastfeeding. Once I started pumping, I saw that my baby had been literally starving. I produce almost nothing. The mom guilt and feeling of failure are huge. I’m sad I can’t exclusively breastfeed, but I’m so thankful that my daughter is now well fed (she regained her 4 oz in 24 hours).

I wanted to share in case anyone else is struggling with breastfeeding or is feeling guilty about using formula. Or if anyone has tips about helping the milk come in, I’m ready to try them.