Just feeling so anxious

I miscarried a year ago this week. My husband and I haven’t been able to conceive since. I must’ve taken a hundred pregnancy tests in 2019. So much rejection. No after no after no.

Finally, we both went to the doctor. My husband tested earlier this week and we are waiting to hear back. I went to the doctor today. It’s still too early to tell with a urine test. I knew that. But the doctor said we had to do both urine and blood. And even with the knowing that it was too soon to tell with urine, it stung when she gave me my first NO of this cycle. I will probably have the blood work back tomorrow, maybe next week, but hearing that No just got me feeling so defeated.

I’ve been living this whole year waiting for the next cycle - hoping it works. Now that we’re approaching the end of 2019 I just feel so sad that my whole year was wished away as I just wanted the next try to come and be the one that works. We’re down to the last try of the year. Remembering last year and how right around this time I was told their was no heart beat. Getting a D&C days before Christmas and feeling so numb to any joy. Feeling alone in my body and so broken in my heart.

I want to be hopeful, but I’ve gotten so many No’s. When is it going to be my turn for a yes? Ugh. 😞