What are the positives in this situation and why do I feel defeated?

Hi I was in. 5 year relationship it was mentally and emotionally abusing and I end up in therapy. The stupid thing about this was I still loved him and I am afraid I still do but I don’t want to be with the kind of person he is. It is almost like my mind and my heart are fighting. Recently we dropped TROs on eachother over something’s stupid like threats to one another and rearrange our parenting docket. My ex asked to meet at a police station with our 3 year of son and I didn’t want that for him. I didn’t want our son to see us exchange him where there are cops etc. I don’t think there is anything wrong with cops but does always mention about bad guys going to jail and cops etc. things he saw on tv or games. I explained this to the judge and asked for the mall and she was ok with it but my ex kept refusing. Then he asked for a parenting app Called talking parents- yes it’s not a huge deal but you have to pay for some of the services and frankly I think it’s stupid.

Obviously he needs to be civil and control how he talks to me which is why I think he wants the app but at the same time I don’t want to be told how to communicate about my child. Simple text me that you here and text me if there are emergencies. That’s all. You don’t need an app for that. The judge gave him both and I felt like I lost. After court he was laughing and I felt humiliated. Like a loser. Not only have I lost my dream family I was working so hard to build with him but I really loved him and all he did was cheat on me with prostitution and drink. There were good times too but he has his bad way. At the end of the court I still have to go to criminal because when we’re we’re fighting I never pressed charges on him bevause of my feelings. But when I did it he went to the cops on me. I took a polish sausage from his house one day. I thought he was home but he wasn’t and I left him a note that I came by and I took the sausage. He then went to cops and took me up for burglary. I couldn’t believe it. In the past he has always went to my house and did the same I didn’t think he would do that to me.

Anyway he was happy and got his order from court and he is good. Me I left a feeling upset that my son has to go to the police station and talk through an app , which I guess is my who hurt. He dropped his TRO claiming he just wants to see his son. So you file burglary on me only to end up saying your not afraid stop TRO to only see our son?

I feel like a loser and I’m trying to see the positives and asking for help from anyone of advice or experiences to help me move past this sadness I feel.

Anyone know about that app or did POlice drop offs?