Should I go back to my ex husband? Feeling lost...

I’ll try to keep this as brief as possible... I’ve posted annon as there are a few people I know who are on here. (If you work it out please don’t pass it on)

About a year and a half ago I separated from my now ex husband. We met young (16yrs old) and were together for 13 years, married 5. Financial strain and too many dumb decisions and changes in circumstances and interests drove a wedge between us and despite counselling and trying to work through it for the better part of 2 years we decided to seperate but have remained friends (he since has moved state, but we keep in touch as friends)

About 6 months after the separation I met my current partner, we share the same interests, his great with money, hard worker, good income, has his shit together. The almost year I’ve been with him I’ve managed to get out of close to $40,000 debt as we’ve had a steady income household with two people contributing. We’ve been able to get out on weekends away, booked holidays... from the outside it looks like I now have it all! He has talked about proposing and is in the process of having an extravagant one of a kind custom ring made, his just booked our 1 year anniversary holiday. Again from the outside, things are perfect.

What is making me hesitant is his very controlling and hot headed. If we go out and I so much as don’t hold his hand he gets annoyed and says “oh we’re one of “those” couples now who don’t hold hands” “what’s wrong with you?”

Anytime my phone goes off his instantly annoyed and starts asking me questions and accusing me of being unfaithful. All his ex’s were because of his work (his away from home a lot) but i keep telling him that’s not me and it’s not fair to project issues with his ex’s on to me. It’s got to the point I’ll try to mute all my notifications when his home so it doesn’t cause fights. (FYI I’m not being unfaithful and he has full access to my phone and passwords)

Our sex life is active and good but not great. He always jumps straight into sex and there’s rarely foreplay. We’ve spoken about it so many times and occasionally he’ll remember or I’ll ask him and he’ll do it, but otherwise it’s the same old missionary sex. Sometimes it’s not even about the sex, I just want him to simply rub my arm or back.. I just want to feel appreciated? I do it to him, it would be nice for it to be reciprocated.

The biggest issue that drives a wedge between us is his 4yr old son. His rarely ever home because of work and when he is every second or 3rd time he’ll have his son and it causes us to argue so much because of his baby mama, she uses him and stuffs us around, fills his sons head full of horrible things which makes it hard to manage him when his here and to be honest, I’ve been a step kid and I’ve always known in my heart of hearts I’ll never be cut out to be a step parent. I’d even go as far to say I don’t like his son, but I’m aware he’ll always come first.

We lost our child (my first) recently at 3 months and it’s taken it’s toll emotionally. Even prior to this his family all revolved around his son and still it’s all his family talks about. I feel like myself and our angel baby are or were never a priority and anytime we did something for the baby there was always a question of why his son wasn’t involved.

It’s something I’m starting to realise may never change and through counselling something I don’t think I’ll get past either.

My partner does love me unconditionally and I know it’ll break him into a thousands pieces if I leave, I know he does try hard to change.. but should someone really have to change? If it wasn’t for his temper and our constant fighting and his son... things would be perfect but the world isn’t perfect and neither is any relationship. Am I just knit picking or are these red flags to leave now before we have another child? (Actively TTC although I’m trying to avoid it and misinforming him about my fertile windows... I know this still carries a risk.. I’m currently on my period and feel I really need to make a decision soon)

The reason I bring up my ex husband is.. as a person and a partner I honestly couldn’t fault him. His just terrible with money and wants a champagne lifestyle on a beer budget but spends money like it’s going out of fashion and just has no concept of hard work, sacrifice and savings... his mentality is money will always come and go so who cares (but it left me always picking up the pieces) but anytime I picture a family I picture him? They’re like two opposites ends of the scale.. the lifestyle and security for my future children I always wanted or a man who has nothing but loves with everything?

I’m torn between getting my ducks in a row and leaving and being on my own, or potentially having a conversation with my ex husband about giving things one last go? I’m getting older and my window for having children is closing in.. I just want to have a supportive husband and raise a family. My current partner can offer that but we just fight so damn much and have done so from the beginning (we’re both so stubborn) and my ex husband and I separated for a reason I suppose? I’m just feeling so lost in life right now... I don’t know what to do? Make the best of my current situation, try to sort things out with my ex husband... or neither? Stay single and risk missing my opportunity to have children and potentially end up in a bad relationship?

If you’ve read this far.. thank you so much 🙏🏼 I’m just so lost emotionally xx