I hate myself for not being able to hate you. After everything you put me through. The guilt tripping, the manipulation, the heart ache and heart break.. and above all of that the rape and sexual assault. i will never be able to hate you because i loved you. i will never be able to make that love go away completely and i hate myself for that. i will never be able to tell people that i stopped loving you. i didn't stop loving you. i stopped trying to please you and with that i stopped trying. i stopped trying to make us work because you never even started trying. i stopped holding your hand because i put my heart in your hands and you dropped it too many times. i stopped hugging you because that safe place stopped feeling so safe. i stopped kissing you because the lips that once whispered "i love you" started shouting things i hated hearing.. i stopped because the warm embrace that you once provided started burning too much. you were my spark. now you are my forest fire. i stopped laughing at your jokes because i realized how much they hurt me. how much they poke and claw at me until i lost it. i stopped singing our songs because i didnt want it to hurt so bad when i listened to them after we split. they still hurt so much and i hate it. i hate it. i hate that i love you. i dont want to love you. i wish i never wouldve met you. i hate what you did to me. i hate how you made me feel. i hate how you made me cry. i hate how you physically hurt me and mentally scarred me. but most of all i hate that i will never be able to hate you. that i will never be able to stop loving you. i really thought we would be forever. do you know how long it took me to throw away the flowers you gave me? too long. it took way too long