I just wanted to finally get this off my chest because it started to effect my new relationship from not dealing with my past. My last relationship was mildly abusive and I never realized it until I was able to get out of it.

He would constantly insult me, he made me feel so terrible about myself that I didn’t think I could leave him. He would threaten to hit but would never actually do it. He would force himself on me, I was never raped but he would have his way with me in other ways and choke me on his penis by holding my head in place even when I would struggle to move away.

He was a raging alcoholic who couldn’t deal with himself or his past for one day without a drop of alcohol. The one and only time he ever told me he loved me he was so drunk he couldn’t even stand up straight. It took me until he wanted to take a break to sleep with other girls because he was “bored of me” to realize what had happened.

I left him that day and never looked back. I’ve been with my new boyfriend now for 6 months. When we first started dating I didn’t go into detail but I told him a little bit of what happened. He’s been very supportive and such a great guy. He even stoped drinking almost completely for me because it gives me such anxiety.

Yesterday however I went over to his house to hang out and he and his friends had taken a shot of fireball (he was not drunk and he was celebrating his friend coming back from deployment).

As soon as I walked in he could tell that I was uncomfortable so he asked me to come up to his room so I could calm down. When we got up there we sat down and he went to kiss me. The smell of fireball on his breath sent me into a sever panic attack that lasted over an hour. I shoved him away and started balling instantly. I felt as though my lungs were closing up.

This guy sat with me the entire time rubbing my back and trying to keep me calm. (He never knew how bad my anxiety was) after I caught my breath he insisted that I tell him what happened because I had never wanted to talk about it. I spent the rest of the night in tears telling him bits and pieces of what my last relationship had been like. At the end he was able to understand a little better what had set me off and why I reacted so strongly.

Sorry for the long post I just needed to get it off my chest I haven’t been able to tell anyone for a long time.