Miscarriage

December 17th 2019 will always be a day I remember forever. After years of being the woman who wanted to be financially stable with a career before I had babies, my husband and I conceived in September. I was scared, confused but over the moon at first. He was excited from the get go! After a few weeks reality hit and I was like wow I am finally getting everything I want! Loving husband, great job, almost debt free, great step kids and a babygirl! I wast so excited! Then December 17th happened and I woke up feeling off, spotting and knew I needed to go to Emergency Room. It just wasn’t right. Laying there for hours, ultrasound done, countless vagina exams and doctors... the ER doc came in, sat down and I instantly knew the dreaded news that was about to be delivered was bad...We had lost our baby girl. When I say devastation hit... man did it hit like a huge bus decided to run me over, back up and hit me again. No feelings can describe the feeling of loss I felt and continue to feel. The sense of failure, disappointment, scared, helpless and utter sadness hit me overwhelmingly so!

Ever day I struggle with different feelings of grief and loss. Struggling with what is right now and the seeming looks of failure and disappointment that I think are there but I’m sure are not. It’s a world wind! Every day I have been trying so hard. I am hoping to feel normal again. Hoping 2020 can be better for me