Sorry this is so long, I just feel like throwing all of the information out there at once is better than trying to backpedal and answer individual questions in comments that other people may not see...

My boyfriend of 2 years (Scott) and I went to a karaoke/pizza/late New Year’s party last night hosted by my mom’s good friend Fred and his husband Victor. Small gathering, only like 9 people. I went with my mom, my sister, my daughter, and Scott, and I knew the other people at the gathering pretty well. So we were all in familiar company. My mom has known Fred since before I was born, I used to call him uncle Freddy when I was young. Victor is awesome but unlike Fred who is very reserved and quiet, Victor is very flamboyant and right there in your face. Super friendly and all but very “out there” If that explains it properly? Anyway, I’ve known Victor for 5 years but Scott met him in September of 2018 when we all went out for a Paint Nite together. Scott mentioned at Paint Nite that as Victor had downed a couple of drinks throughout the night he had started stroking Scott’s arm during conversation and giving him little squeezes here and there. Scott is well built with a very broad masculine chest and strong arms, both men and women hit on him all the time and most use his physique as an “in” to talk to and touch him. He doesn’t love it but he usually isn’t particularly bothered by it since it’s been like that for him since he was a teenager. So Scott thought nothing of Victor touching him, he figured he was just being friendly and he had had a couple of drinks so no big deal. He liked Victor a lot and we had a great time that night.

Fast forward to last night and we get the the house for the party. Victor gave me a huge hug and double-cheek air kisses as usual for him. Then he turned to Scott, looked him up & down and said “ohhh yessssss”, gave him a smooch on the cheek and squeezed him super tight. Scott and I made eye contact over Victor’s shoulder as they were hugging and all of a sudden Scott’s eyes bugged out of his head for a second. When Victor pulled back from the hug he patted Scott’s cheek with his hand and said “go get some pizza, baby” and flitted off to talk to other guests. I laughed at Scott and told him they made a cute couple. He just shook his head and we got pizza. About an hour after we got there my daughter wasn’t feeling all that great and my mom was tired anyway, so my mom my sister and my daughter left in my moms car, Scott & I stayed for a while longer. About an hour after my mom/daughter/sister left Scott came over to me after having been talking to Victor for a while and said “Soooo you want to head out?”. He never looks for an early exit from social gatherings so I could tell he kind of wanted to get out of there. We ended up staying almost another hour chatting and then we left.

When we got to the car Scott asked me if I had seen anything that Victor had done during the night. I had been busy talking to a few other people so I didn’t see anything, but I knew Scott was always right behind me because he would occasionally reach over to run my back or grab my hand for a squeeze. He said over the course of the night Victor grabbed/rubbed his crotch like 5/6 times. They have a small wet bar in the karaoke room and there was a mini fridge in the corner that people kept going over to for drinks. Scott and Victor were standing right by the fridge, which is about waist-high. Scott said Victor would offer to go into the mini fridge to get the drinks for anyone who came by for one. He said every time he swung the fridge door open he would pin his hand between the open door and Scott’s crotch and rub against him as he was reaching into the fridge with the other hand. The first time it happened Scott thought it was an accident and thought nothing of it. Then he did it again. Then again. Scott tried to move a bit away from the fridge but I was standing on the other side of him so he couldn’t go far. The next time Victor opened the fridge he extended his arm so that his elbow/forearm was resting on the door of the fridge and his hand once again found Scott.

Another point during the night Victor reached into Scott’s shirt and pulled out his gold/diamond chain, which has a gaudy crucifix hanging from it. Scott is not religious but had it custom made when he was younger and he wears it almost everywhere. Victor saw it through the shirt and reached in to grab it. He laid it flat on Scott’s chest and started stroking it asking if he was religious. Scott explained that he wasn’t but that he loves the chain anyway since it was the first big purchase he ever made with his own money as a kid. Victor held the crucifix in his palm with the back of his hand against Scott’s chest and started rubbing Scott’s nipple while talking to him about how he used to be religious but got booted from the seminary for sleeping with too many other guys while there. (I’ve heard this story before but Scott wasn’t in my life yet when he told me about it, so I absolutely believe that Victor mentioned it to him. How else would Scott know that?) Scott said he kept trying to maneuver his body to get Victor to stop rubbing his chest but literally had nowhere to go so he finally excused himself and went to the bathroom. When he returned from the bathroom he asked me if I wanted to head out. We mingled a bit more then when we decided to leave I got a text from Scott that said “Victor is going to hug me when we leave, watch what he does”. I looked at him and kind of shrugged as if to say “what are you talking about?” Scott just nodded towards Victor and mouthed “watch”. So we made the rounds and hugged everybody goodbye, when it came time for Victor to hug Scott I was hugging Fred (Victor’s husband) so I missed the hug. Scott said Victor raised one arm up over his shoulder and the other arm went right down between his legs. Victor grabbed him by the crotch and hugged him tight, Scott said he pulled his hips back to break the hug and Victor lifted his arm up to give him a proper hug. Basically he did the same thing to him on the way out that he did on the way in.

Scott told me he noticed Fred kind of giving Victor the side eye throughout the night, He’s wondering if this is a normal thing for Victor to do when he drinks. He was aggressive and assertive, kept trying to get Scott to tell him stories of all the women he’s fucked over the years but Scott absolutely refused to engage in that kind of conversation with him. But Victor kept talking about it and trying to get him to talk about his sexual experiences. Yes by then Victor had had a couple of drinks so he was getting pretty persistent. Also the hug that Victor gave him as we were coming in, the one that made his eyes widen, was the first grab Scott received for the night. He had figured maybe Victor’s hand had slipped or whatever, but that he grabbed his crotch during that hug. So literally from the second we walked in, this guy was grabbing and rubbing him. Now Scott’s problem is NOT that he was hit on by a man. He is firmly rooted in his own sexuality and has actually taken it as a compliment to be hit on by as many men as he’s been hit on by over the years. It doesn’t bother him in the least, and overall he doesn’t even mind that he was hit on at all. His problem is that he felt like Victor was disrespecting his marriage to Fred and also disrespecting Scott’s relationship with me by doing this while both of us were in the same room. Not to mention the overall rapey vibe is just completely inappropriate no matter who it’s coming from or who it’s directed to.

We don’t think this is the first time Victor has acted like this based on how brazen he was, and Fred was definitely noticing so we don’t think it’s news to him either. Scott doesn’t know what he wants to do, tell Fred about it or not. Technically it’s sexual assault but Scott said does not feel victimized so much as disrespected, so he doesn’t want to start flinging those terms around. But he said if he saw a guy doing to me what Victor was doing to him he would have put him through the fucking wall. Scott was groomed by a woman in her mid-40s when he was 12, she fucked up his sense of love and sex from a very young age. He got some therapy for it when he was younger but it definitely caused him to put walls up for most of his life. That’s why his relationship with me is so powerful for him, he hasn’t allowed himself to emotionally connect to a person ever. He doesn’t consider himself a victim of sexual assault because he said he wasn’t forced... but he was 12 and she was an adult. That’s assault. He doesn’t necessarily get predatory vibes from Victor but knows that staying quiet about it isn’t going to help anyone, including anyone else that Victor may behave this way with in the future. Scott also doesn’t want to potentially cause a rift in the friendship between my mom and Fred since they’ve know each other forever... but again he realizes that silence is what got us to the point of needing things like the “me too“ movement and he doesn’t think staying quiet is the thing to do in case Victor is out in public doing this to other people. Because if he’s that bold in a small setting with people who know each other, what is he doing out in public at clubs and whatnot around people who will never see him again or be able to identify him?

What would you ladies suggest? I was thinking to send a message directly to Fred, but my friend who is a psychiatrist suggested that it come directly from Scott so there is no room for misinterpretation or misunderstanding. Then I was thinking maybe talk to my mom first and feel out her response before going to Fred, since she knows him way better than we do? We aren’t 100% sure what we are going to do yet but we’re going to do something. Thank you if you made it this far