I really wish my ex:

-wasn’t a narcissistic asshole.

-wasn’t a dark web user.

-didn’t mess with a 16 year old.

-didn’t think the government was out to get him.

-wasn’t so self absorbed and shady.

-didn’t post a memorial framed photo of our sons ultrasound.

-didn’t say he posted the photo to feel closer to my son (had me scared he was going to try to murder us or something.)

-didn’t talk about making pipe bombs.

-didn’t say he loved Karma after my fiancé passed away.

-would stop with the suicidal crap.

The majority of this stuff surfaced after we found out I was pregnant. Which I had been wanting a baby for years (before I met him) and my son was a miracle considering my situation. But he seemed unsure. I got this vibe like he didn’t think it was his because he had low testosterone.

I really wish his sperm donor wasn’t trash though. My son is so perfect. It would have been nice to have had a family, and him a few siblings.

But it worked out for the best for awhile, I got with my fiancé, which was my exhusband and I was married to years before. My fiancé was the absolute perfect father (other than dying and leaving us with nothing. Which isn’t his fault, but I tried to have the discussion with him and He said a few days before he died “I’m ok. I’m going to be fine and provide for our little family. I’m working on getting the gastric sleeve.”) We were supposed to look at houses and had all these plans. He always supported me and I never felt the way I felt with him with anyone. He was my first real crush. He loved my son like his own. Even as I was pregnant, he’d kiss my belly and say “daddy loves you.” Surprised me a bracelet that says mama to be on it. He broke his toe somehow and I think that led to a pulmonary embolism or heart attack.

I don’t know what I did to deserve this.

I’ve dealt with so much trauma, I’m tired of it. My son is the only reason I’m still breathing.