as a first time mom, and a very reflective person...I find myself constantly thinking about ways to make things easier and better for Mom’s. I know I’ve posted about this before and some people may take it and misunderstand it. I’m not whining. I’m not ungrateful for the blessing of being a mother. I’m not depressed. I am passionate about this subject because some of the hardest parts of my life have been in motherhood. I have spoken to so many other women who have and still experience the same things, and I am always looking for ways to make it better. Some things are out of our control, but some things are preventable.

One of the biggest issues I see is how society portrays motherhood and being a parent in general in a completely delusional way. Not just tv and movies, but all of us. How we use social media. How we portray our lives as these happy and perfect series of moments, without sharing any of the hard stuff. That we judge those who do share those things in a negative way. Sometimes it seems like sharing motherhood struggle is almost taboo in our culture.

How we tell a pregnant new mom that she’s going to be amazing and love everything about being a mother, without telling her how hard it is and offer our support. That, added with the lack of maternity leave in the US and support to new mothers...it is pretty easy to not come close to understanding what bearing, birthing and keeping a newborn alive is like. Add health issues or complications, with mother or baby, and a lack of much physical support...it can honestly be....dark.

All the while, you have people in public approaching you and your screaming baby with your hands full of groceries telling you “enjoy every moment, they grow so fast.” Which is totally true. They do change SO fast and you are bound to miss some things about when they were smaller. But, telling a mother who is struggling to enjoy every moment is like telling someone with a migraine to be grateful they have a head. And maybe you could help me with my groceries? Or ask if I need help? And guess what? It’s okay not to enjoy every moment. It’s okay to not miss everything! And it’s okay not to love everything about this new life.

It’s time we are honest. Some will judge us, and it’s not our place to tell them they shouldn’t. But I know, if speaking my truth can help just one person feel heard, seen, understood and not alone...that I am doing good.

I don’t miss colic and the literal hours upon hours of nonstop screaming no matter what I tried. I don’t miss my overwhelming fear of laying my child flat on her back because of her silent reflux. I don’t miss being so hungry but not having the energy to get up to feed myself or the fear if I stood up that my baby who just screamed for 3 hours would wake up after finally getting her to sleep. I don’t miss sleeping for 30 minutes at a time, waking to breastfeed and then pump, clean pump parts and try to get some shut eye before the baby woke up again. I don’t miss how hard breastfeeding was, the endless tears from our struggle with it, the feeling of failure when I decided to give it up. I don’t miss the fear that my child may have had developmental issues from being premature. I don’t miss feeling paralyzed about asking for help, and not really knowing what I needed. I don’t miss that when I actually did get help, like someone watching my newborn while I ran to the store that it actually was more stressful for me then staying home (note to those on the other side, it’s almost never personal...I had a really hard time separating from Finnley for quite a while. If you want to help a new mom, ask her if you can do her dishes or make/bring her a meal vs watch the baby. You can offer that too, but please don’t be offended if that makes her anxious). I don’t love the distance I feel from my husband, even when he was sitting in the same room with me all day because I have another human being relying on me all day. We have amazing moments together as a family, but I am brave enough to say to you all, I miss that 100% focus I could have on my husband. I don’t love that having a baby has shed light on how difficult the physical absence of my family is in a new way. There’s so much more, and so many things I have shared and sympathized with other moms privately.

I know next time I will be more prepared. And I do know everyone’s experience is different. But, I am here to tell you...it’s okay to not be okay. There are people who feel your pain, who would be happy to connect with you and mutually help ease that pain with the gift of support. I am one of those people. I am happy to help. ❤️

What is something you don’t miss about your earlier days of parenthood? Or even right now?

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