I’ve been with my boyfriend for nearly five years and I know every relationship has it’s ups and down and we have tried so hard to work through this but I’m tired of all of it.

He’s been mentally and physically abusive to me in the past he’s locked me in the house in arguments he’s pushed me into walls and onto the floor when I was pregnant. He’s punched me and called it ‘playfighting’ left me with multiple bruises. He emotionally blackmails me if I don’t agree with that he thinks saying things like ‘I don’t love him’ and tells me to go and ‘stand in front of a bus’ and then says he’s only ‘joking’ but I don’t believe he is.

He’s told me to kill myself when we argue he makes me feel awful and because of that I’ve done some stupid things to myself and even though I haven’t self harmed in over 5 months it’s just going bad again.

Last night he punched me really hard just below my belly I started crying it hurt soo much and it still hurts now to touch. He denied ever doing it and told me to grow the fuck up. He knew I was upset but refused to take any responsibility and turned the situation around on me and made me feel like it was my fault like I deserved it

We argued all night and he wouldn’t give me any space. Started following me around the house shouting and saying he will shout and wake the kids up if I don’t sort things out and make it right. But I don’t know why I had to as I didn’t do anything but get upset

And then this afternoon he said he wanted affection I was still upset about him hurting me but I had told him that we were ok because I didn’t want to argue with him again I didn’t want him to get angry again he said he wanted to cuddle in bed when I told him I wasn’t feeling it he just didn’t listen kept trying to touch me, pulling me leggings down and I tried to go downstairs twice but he just kept guilt tripping me saying ‘ I hadn’t put yesterday behind me at all and that I didn’t love him and if he really had punched me why hadn’t I called the police’ he messes so much with my head. In the end I agreed to everything he wanted even though I was at all in the mood for it.

Later on he kept asking me what was wrong I kept saying ‘ nothing ‘ but eventually I snapped so I told him I wasn’t over him hurting me and that he’d not respected what I wanted and that he’d guilt tripped me into doing stuff and then we started arguing again he comes out with such ridiculous things in arguments he told me me to ring the police right there and then to tell them he’d raped me and punched me’ I never even brought the word rape into it and I wasn’t going to call the cops on him for punching me god knows why maybe I should do it now but he doesn’t realise what I’m going through this is the father to my children the man that I love and YES that sounds fucking stupid and I know it is

I told him I wanted him to go away, to leave me alone but he wouldn’t I tried to walk away but he grabbed my phone off me and stood in front of the door.

He said that if I left he would too& he knows that way I’ll stay because the kids are upstairs. So I told him to leave but he refused I then asked him if I could go upstairs he just said he’d follow me and be really loud so I had to stay downstairs with him and pointlessly try and defend my side of things

I’m physically mentally drained I don’t have anyone I can talk to about any of this

So I’m posting it on here for any support, advice, anything.