triggered

ever since i was younger... hearing or seeing the name of my abuser really put me in a bad place. At first i used to fully break down & wouldnt even explain to anyone why i would just be done with whatever i was doing & fall into a silence..

probably because you were my step brother, supposed to be my new found protector from my moms new marriage. i was 5 .. & until i was 9 you molested me. now that name. desmond.. it makes me shut down even still when i thought id dealt with this. i used to sulk on the anniversary of my mom walking in . & her throwing you down the steps & locking you out of the house until the cops came so she didnt kill you. the fact i had to relay all of this to multiple ppl & fully realize all of it was wrong. i vaguely remember it happened when that time of the year comes.

but that name.. it still fucks with me . that name alone brings back everything. even though i havent seen you in person since court & the last i heard you live in a whole other state after being arrested multiple times..

but i know theres plenty good desmonds that arent abusers but that name still shocks me like that day is happening all over again.

& now that i have my own daughter & another otw i get so scared they’d go through the same thing i did. & i pray they’ll never had to endure the while & the after of any kind of abuse.

i just needed to let this out..