So this is a little different than traditional postpartum depression/anxiety but I’ve NEVER had anything like this until now. Backstory: I am a first time mom around 11mpp. My husband and I struggled to get pregnant and when we finally did through treatment, we didn’t risk having sex. So we went the whole pregnancy without it. Since birth we have had sex 4 times. We’re exhausted and rarely ever have the energy. Sleep trumps sex for us and my husband doesn’t seem to mind. (He’s the one who’s initiated those 4 times and never otherwise). So the most recent time was this past Wednesday. I was having a hard time getting into but I rolled with it for him bc damn this poor guy has put up with nothing for a long time. Anyways. So TMI sorry...he is going down on me and my mind is just wandering. I’m thinking about normal everyday stuff and eventually start thinking about our babe. And in my head I’m like EW who thinks about their kids while this is happening! Perverts do! And I’m like eww there’s actually women out there who probably do this crap with their kids omg (again ew who thinks about this) and you know how if you’re in your car behind a truck full of cut down trees you envision the final destination scene happening to you? (Or maybe just me 😅) I pictured myself in the position of doing that crap to my child For ONE SECOND and I was like EW EW STOOPPPPPP. And (still all in my head) I’m like you won’t think about it again and it’s fine. Well it’s not fine. My mind is torturing me and I keep thinking about it. I want to be 100% clear it is not in anyway related to something I’m having feelings of doing. My brain just does this to me. If I tell myself to let something go, don’t think about it, my brain just does. Eventually I forget. You know like fights with people when you keep thinking of things you should have said or things you could’ve done differently...But it’s been 5 days and it’s still happening. A little less than at first but I’ll randomly remember. The visions aren’t as often. Just the thought like oh it’s been a while since I thought about it. And I have been trying SO hard to think about something else when it pops back in. But I see my sweet boys face and I’m struggling to separate these visions with my innocent views I had before this stupid night of sex with my husband. And now I’m worried that the next time we have sex I’m going to think about it and it’s all gonna happen again. This is such a weird situation and I feel really fuckin stupid even typing this. I am just sick of it being in my brain and idk at what point I should see someone about it. Can I be like hypnotized to remove this thought or something? My world was soooo normal and now I feel like it’s in turmoil. I want to look at my baby again and not feel like a fucking weirdooo. I really am a regular mom who loves her husband and son and I’m just freaked out 😞 I’m sure no one has had this situation specifically but anything relatable...thoughts that you couldn’t get out of your head or anything similar that you got help for? I know it’s only been 5 days but for me it seems like forever. I wanna go back to normal. I THINK what the problem is is that I’m feeling ashamed a mother would have a thought like this. And as innocent as it was I’m dwelling on it bc I’m ashamed of myself. I have always been hard on myself when I mess up and I think this is me just torturing myself for it. Idk. I just want it out of my head