Birth Story.

On the 4th January 2020 I went into labour with my second son (28 weeks and 6 days) Birth weight: 2pounds 4oz. Current weight 2 pounds 12oz - he's very healthy and in very good condition for his gestation. I lost a lot of blood they had to do a second emergency c-section - baby position was Transverse so normal delivery was not possible and they needed to stop the bleeding. During the operation which felt very similar to my first emergency c-section, the only difference was I was given a lot of pain relief - I didn't quite understand why. I heard whispers from the surgeon about a hysterectomy. I was panicking. I planned on having three babies it's what I've always wanted... I always said I would have two boys and then a girl I probably wouldn't I'd probably have ended up with three boys but I didn't care I just always wanted three. I picked a name out for my future daughter... it was Hope... me and my husband decided on that name if our third turned out to be a girl. Me and my husband was talking about our next baby and how that'll complete us and we won't have any more because I don't want to experience labour ever again (jokingly). I kept asking everyone what was going on nobody would answer me... Nobody would tell me what was happening. Would I ever be able to have another baby? I'm 22 years old... I didn't feel ready to be told I cannot have anymore. While the surgeon stitched me up another doctor told me they had to perform a hysterectomy. I was lost for words I could feel so much pain flood my body. I was told the chances of this happening at the start of my pregnancy was 0.05% I couldn't believe this is happening to me. I felt robbed... parts of my body was removed without my knowledge... any hope for the future had been removed. Not only did I have to face this but the hospital I had my baby in wasn't equipped for premature babies so he was stabilised and was taken 2 hours away to a different hospital. I had to wait 3 days until I could be transferred to that hospital to be near my son. On day 3 when I was about to leave I was more able to face the surgeon who performed my operation hearing what he had to do still wasn't easier then he asked if I had any questions... I asked about my ovaries... I found out he had to take one as it looked too damaged but I realised if I never asked I would never know I only had one so that got me even angrier. I decided to try and let it go and concentrate on my son like everyone kept telling me I'm lucky I have two... some don't even have one.. I know that I know how lucky I am and I shouldn't feel this way but I do i wasn't ready to be told I can never have anymore... I didn't value the pregnancy I didn't think it would be my last. My son is doing really well but it will be another 10 weeks until he can come home (the only positive part to my story is how well my son is doing). I'm not doing so well.. I'm angry and bitter... there's not a day that has gone by that I haven't cried. My husband is so supportive but I feel bad for him... he can have more children if he wanted too... he's still able... but being married and "stuck" with me will prevent him from having more and I'm scared that one day he might resent me for it... It's silly he told me it's silly but I can't help but think that.