Vulnerability vs neediness

What do you think is the difference?

I have an anxious attachment style and I’m trying to learn to self soothe in terms of my romantic relationships. I find that if I’m not with someone who is also with an anxious attachment style, I stress over the relationship excessively.

So, I try to keep my concerns to myself and not come across as needy.... but then I find myself with more avoidant behavior or maybe even protest behavior because I’m not getting the reaction I want from my partner.

And then I’m not vulnerable, not maintaining boundaries, and I become emotionally unavailable myself.

What gives? How do I know when to express my needs? How do I trust myself to know that I’m coming from a place of wanting to love that person and not just trying to control their love for me?

My current struggle is that I spent an (seemingly) amazing weekend with my guy, but have felt so disconnected from him since, just in the last few days. He’s in his 40s and has only had a few longer term relationships... I’m in my early 30s and have been married previously for 5 yrs.

I worry that I have different expectations from a relationship because I am used to being in long term partnership, and he’s used to being single...

I worry that maybe he’s not as emotionally available as he’d seemed.... I worry that he is pulling away now that we’ve started getting closer.

I worry that if I openly express these concerns it’ll come across as needy when I’m trying to be vulnerable and express my needs...

Help!!