I’m almost 16 and 2.5-ish years ago I had a “kick life’s a*s” point of view. Now I’m really struggling mentally and i dont know what to do.

I go to a school where grades are everything and my my parents, specifically my dad, wants me to have a high GPA. My class load this year in 10th grade is AP European history, AP physics, AP English Language, my fourth year of mandarin, precalculus B, and honors biology. I’m worried that I’m not someone my dad can be proud of even when I’m trying my best and that puts me into super depressive states which have been happening much more recently. This all pushes me to want to hurt myself.

⚠️I have self harmed before. At the start of that time period I used to continuously scratch myself either on the thinner-skinned part of my wrist until I would either break the skin enough to where I felt better or until I started to bleed a little. In October of 2018 I used a razor blade to cut myself, but I was still worried about going too deep. About a week later, before Halloween, my mom found out and flipped, making my dad lecture me on how depression isn’t real. I haven’t cut since because my mom made me promise to not do it ever again, saying I’ll put you into a hospital.⚠️

Since then it started to get better but went horribly once again going into freshman year where I’ve started to scratch myself again. My mom has says I “haven’t been my normal self for about a month now” but I don’t want to make her sad. I don’t want to feel like this, I want to be someone my parents are proud to be parents of. My thoughts have been getting really dangerous lately. I dont know what to do about any of this anymore.