i found out i was pregnant December 27th 2019, almost 2 months after loosing my son. the pregnancy wasn’t planned. i had an IUD fall out, plan B and was on birth control but despite the odds i got pregnant. i was excited but horrified i may end up with preeclampsia again and loose another baby. we never got to take our son home, and i wanted to take this baby home. on january 11th i went to the ER thinking i was having a miscarriage, thankfully i wasn’t. the baby was measuring 5 weeks and 2 days. on the 22nd i had my first ultrasound, yay right?! nope. the baby was measuring 5 weeks and 6 days. no heart beat. My OB told me to come in on the 30th, yesterday for a repeat ultrasound to see if any more growth was happening. yesterday i went in and the growth was that they divided. i was as TWINS! i was excited but freaking out and then the ultrasound lady looked at me and my fiancé and said i’m sorry there’s no heartbeats in either of the babies. i was devastated but i had prepared myself for it because of the lack of growth shown in my last ultrasound and the one at the ER. my OB said that i was having a silent miscarriage and we had options we could wait for a natural miscarriage, take a pill, or have a D&C. my fiancé and i said D&C because my mental/ emotional state after loosing our son is really horrible. i barley get out of bed and only do when i go to work. i wouldn’t be able to watch and go through a miscarriage. so today we woke up and went in at 6:15 for my D&C. i woke up in a full panic attack because last time i woke up in a labor and delivery room i had had my abdomen sliced open and my baby was sent to the nicu immediately and i didn’t see him for 2 days because i was unstable. my OB came in and said she can give me the depo shot today and i agreed. and she looked at me and said next time we will have a baby and we will be sending you home with a healthy baby. i’ve been with my OB for 7 years, she cried with us for 30 minutes when we told her our son passed. she’d never lost a premature baby she delivered. she is so kind to my fiancé and i. but now i’m home recovering once again no longer pregnant with no baby to bring home, to hear crying for me, or go through the struggles of breastfeeding and sleep deprivation.