This is probably going to be really long and deep and also trigger warning if this may harm you. From when it started to now. So in sixth grade, I started to feel as if no one cared about me. My home life was shit, my parents were fighting constantly, and I just couldn’t deal with the pain. I was anti social, had friends, just not many, and couldn’t express my emotions right. I was really young, but I self harmed on my wrists and hips. I don’t even know if it was to feel pain or to distract me from the other. Eventually my dad saw it and freaked out. I had to go to therapy, which I hated and was embarrassed about. Fast forward to now, 11th grade. I am extremely social and not “popular” because I go to a school in florida and there’s not “popularity” but if there was i guess i would be pretty high up there. I got better for a while. I relapsed december of 2018, and then january of 2019. I only relapsed maybe once or twice throughout the whole 2019 though. But in the past year, I’ve started to care less. Ive had more thoughts of “what’s the point” and “nothing matters anymore” and i know if anyone even bothers to read this then they’re just gonna say some bullshit like “you have so much to live for”. And it’s not that i want to die i just hate how i feel, but some days I catch myself thinking what i would write on my suicide note, even though i know for a fact i could never bring myself to do it. Not a single of my friends know that I did this, and I don’t think I could ever tell them. Another thing I could never tell them about is when I starved myself. From seventh- eighth grade, I dropped 20 ish pounds and hated the way i looked. I never felt skinny enough. I started out at 100 pounds, but i was 5 ft i think. I thought it was so much and dropped to 75. I remember weighing myself on thanksgiving and the rush of adrenaline i got when it went below 80. Then people started noticing and i got self conscious and somehow started eating again. I am now 5 ft 6 and 140 pounds, which is so much fucking more. There are times when I think i should starve myself again,, but I don’t want to lose all of my muscle which sounds dumb but whatever. I used to have panic attacks every week. Certain things would bring them up, maybe over past memories I don’t remember? But I used to not be able to go to the mall without hyperventilating and having to get someone to calm me down and I eventually learned to prevent them and feel one oncoming, but I had one the other day and it was so scary, but somehow nostalgic. I maybe cried twice writing this, but I’m so over everything. Also, i don’t know if anything’s wrong with me, but apparently the smartest minds are flawed, and I am in the gifted excellence program where we have a separate class once a month, but i’ve always naturally excelled in school, but that also means that everyone thinks i’m fine mentally. I have always done extremely well in school, but I have the hardest time focusing and staying on track. I always zone out, and get random ass hyper spazzes that I cant control. My friend thought it could be ADD or ADHD, but my dad won’t take me to get tested, and even if he did, he doesn’t believe in the medicine and thinks that ADD and ADHD are mindsets that you can get rid of. He always screams at me for having a messy car and room, but I can’t even take it in anymore. I just don’t care. I also want to be tested for OCD. If I even did have it, it would be very minor, but I just want to know what’s going on in my brain. The other day at school, I got moved to the left side of the classroom and my whole body felt uneven and wrong. I have to step on and off of stairs with my right foot or else I have to go back and do it again. If not then my body will feel crooked. I count everything in 7s as well. I know that I can’t be diagnosed for anything off of these small descriptions, but if there’s anyone with medical/ mental experience that wants to help me because I can’t go to a doctor, I would never be more grateful. :(( This post has already been so fucking long but I have to make another just to get everything off my chest.