Last Thursday, I got the call I’ve been dreading since I was a kid. My mom is gone.

I don’t even know how to feel or process this. My mom and I have always had a sporadic, drama filled relationship. She’s been an addict for longer than I’ve been alive, there’s obvious hurt feelings and tension built after years.

When I moved out of my dads at 18, I kept my relationship with her from a distance. I had too. For my sake. I probably should’ve already started going to therapy for the years of trauma I’ve been through.

My mom and i weren’t on speaking terms when she passed. I feel so fucking guilty, like i shouldn’t be upset or angry or anything.

I’m mostly angry at myself that finally I don’t have to worry about her anymore. I don’t have to worry that my sisters or I would find my mom on the side of the highway. Or that any other possible horrible tragic thing could strike. I hate myself for finding relief in her death.

I love my mom and i always, always, will. But she no longer is alone and depressed, fighting her way to her next fix.

I worry about my sisters, and my 5 nieces and 2 nephews. My son, as well.

I would never wish losing a parent, nor anyone while pregnant, on my worst enemy.

This shit sucks. I wish I could go back and change so many things....