Ive gone over it in my head a million and 6 times! 579 days ago. Its kinda like stuck in my head. I feel like its my fault. I feel like i cant talk about it becuase i dont want him in trouble. Why?

It started off as a simple break up between me and my 5 year relationship with my ex. A friend messaged me to come live with him and his family and i could have a free room. Then it turned into, all of my stuff was in my room but he wanted me to sleep in his room. I thought nothing of it at first and of course was easily manipulated becuase of such a fresh wound from the break up, i needed the comfort. After a week he kept telling me he wanted to have sex with me. Well i did find him attractive at the time and i told him that it might happen someday but we should really take it slow, i was still healing. Then another week went by and during a movie he leaned over and kissed me. This turned into intense makeout and i was kinda okay with it. But then he got on top of me and started running his hands down my body. At this point i stopped and told him not to, i didnt feel right. He kept pushing and started tugging on my sweat pants. I kept telling him no and i wasnt ready. He just kept reapeting "it will be fine. Dony worry". I kept pushing him back and telling him no i didnt want it. But he kept begging and begging and tugging on my pants until he finally had them past my butt. At this point, i gave in..... i finally said okay....

It didnt last long but after it was done, it felt like my soul left my body. It was like i didnt even know who i was... he laughed about it and told me it was great, best sex he had ever had.... and i chuckled and smirked and replied with "yeah, it was good.. im going to go shower now..."

I got downstairs and it was like i wasnt in my body. I got in the shower and cried.... i cried so much... i couldnt get it off of me... i couldnt get clean enough... the feeling of dread.... i was broken...

My head keeps telling me that becuase i gave i said yes, it was consensual. But my heart tells me that it shouldnt have happened and that he took advantage of me when i was weak....