All my life I’ve struggled with depressive episodes, crippling social anxiety and a terrible eating disorder. My mom-my best friend in the world- passed away in 2018. At 24 i was left with a gaping hole in me no amount of alcohol, food, sleep, friends or family can ever fill. She helped me survive in this world, eased all my anxieties. Held me together. I’ve been lost since. I got married in 2017, losing my mom made me push him away completely and we divorced. I was 100 lbs at 5’5” my body was shutting down. Anorexia turned to binge eating turned to bulimia. I’ve since gained some healthy weight back- I’m about 130- and I’m trying to be okay with that but I’m not. I feel ugly. I got pregnant in a short lived relationship this past October. I miscarried at 7 weeks- probably due to excessive alcohol and my eating disorder. I pushed him away too, totally cut him off. The miscarriage was brutal for me, but i knew I’m in no condition to bring a baby into my life... no matter how much i remind myself this, it won’t stop the pain. Even months later. July 5th 2020 should be my due date and i dread it. I’m very maternal, always wanted a child, my ex husband and I tried and we couldn’t get pregnant. These days i can’t commit to anyone, i have casual (safe) sex with guys just to feel wanted- just feel SOMETHING. I used to think of sex as a beautiful experience only to be shared with the one you love. Not anymore. i push away the men that want something real, and I drool over the ones that just use me. I have only a few friends because I’m very shy. I get walked all over at work because I’m a people pleaser. My ex husband wants to fix me but i don’t know how to love him anymore. I’ve never been to therapy because i don’t have insurance and i can’t afford it. Even if i could I think I’d be too shy to be honest with a therapist. I am constantly on the verge of bursting into tears but i never let them out, can’t remember the last time i had a good cry. I want my mom. I want the baby i lost. I want to have a healthy relationship with food and my body. I want to accept love again and truly love someone in return. I’m sorry for this crazy, sad mess of a rant and if you’ve made it through you’re a saint.