I’m not officially a stay at home mom but I’ve yet to find work that runs with my partners shift work. I’m overwhelmed, my heart is racing, my chest is right and I can hardly breathe right now. I just can’t do it, I’m not good at being at SAHM. It’s overwhelming when my day consists of tending to children, cleaning, cooking, doing everything and anything for my partner. I make his 20 coffees, lay his clothes out, make his food, run to his every demand and he just doesn’t think I’m doing a good enough job. Today was harder than most, my daughter, whose 13 months old was miserable and he’s on night shift, so I try to contain her so he can sleep his 8+ hours. I played with her all day, I didn’t do a single thing else and he woke up miserable, I finally get a chance to make a coffee for myself at 4pm in the afternoon and took a moment to breathe. Played on my phone, scrolled through Facebook and drank my coffee as he gave me dirty looks and short remarks. But why? His awnser was, I should’ve been doing the many other things that needed to be done. Don’t get my wrong, my house isn’t sparkling and shiny but it isn’t messy either. It looks liveable, drying dishes in the dish rack, some mail on the table, toys in the living room but it’s not good enough, nothing is. I work all day to try to achieve what feels like an impossible expectation on what it should be. From the moment I wake up until the moment I go to bed I’m caring for everyone else but myself. I come last, I don’t have the right to be a human because I’m a mom and a wife, right? I can’t want a break, I can’t want a long bath and a glass of wine while I shave my legs and relax. Between raising a baby, tending to my very high maintenance step son who makes it a goal to make it harder for me by smearing tooth paste everywhere, wiping shit on the bathroom walls, ripping up paper towel and toilet paper, using ALL cups within an hour, tossing garbage on the ground for me to get and then my high expectation ass hole of a husband who treats me like a god damn programmed robot who doesn’t have feelings, doesn’t have friends, doesn’t deserve affection or even a simple conversation. I’m overwhelmed, I’m exhausted, burnt out, lonely, disregarded, I’m at my breaking point but I don’t know how to get out, I want to feel alive again. I want to breath. I can’t do this anymore, it doesn’t matter what I say to defend myself he twists it to be my fault somehow, I don’t know how he does it but it’s like talking to a brick wall. I’m crying but there’s absolutely no tears left to come out. I can’t do this anymore, I need out but there’s no way out.

Sincerely, nothing but a disappointment.