Insecure, fat, jealous cow...I need help 😭

***long post warning***

Growing up, I was teased for my weight. I was epileptic and put on steroids to control my seizures. My last name started with Se so kids just called me Seacow. I have grown up hating myself. My parents were less than supportive. My dad would tell me if I didn't want to be called fat than I should diet. My mom says she tried to help me, but I only remember her going to one parent one time. The school counselors protected my bullies. Told "sticks and stones". Truth be told, it has molded who I am.

I don't think a day goes by where I don't refer to myself as a fat ugly cow. I can't even get dressed without losing my shit. I am so fucking ugly. I have been in therapy for 6 years but my body image is something that just can't go. It is a painful place. My walls are up so high, I just can't. My psychiatrist and I have agreed I will try to find a new counselor, this will be my third one, because I just haven't found the right one yet.

Obviously I have never had a good self esteem or body image, so I have allowed myself to let others dictate how I feel about myself. Generally speaking, if I get attention, I feel good. If I don't, I assume it is because I am an ugly fat worthless cow and so I feel bad. I obsess about how disgusting I am.

I was married to my ex-husband for 3 years together 8 years. He sexually abused me, emotionally abused me and manipulated me. But I never really felt ugly or fat. In some twisted way, him wanting to have sex with me or sexually abusing me didn't bother me for a long time. Or so I thought. I ended up severly depressed. I was suicidal and it landed me in the hospital. That is when I learned that my ex-husband was abusing me in so many ways. I filed for divorce.

Around the same time, I had started a new job and had an instant connection with my now husband. We developed a friendship, never went outside of work and was innocently flirty while we worked together, for the most part. I developed a huge crush. He was first, super attractive. I loved his smile and his blue eyes. He was kind and had a great sense of humor. We really got along, especially about work. But he is 18 years older than me and never really gave solid clues that he was interested.

My divorce was finalized quickly and I was pretty reckless, aka whore phase, I was amazed that attractive men thought I was attractive. Even after 2 kids and 230lbs. But I eventually recognized it, settled down and focused on therapy. I was going 2 to 3x a week, really working on issues that had been a factor the last 8 years of my life.

A year goes by, and my boss passes away. My work friend (now husband) came in to turn in all his stuff on his last day of work. We talked for 3 hours. I still was crushing on him but still zero indication. After that, he text me and told me her was going to miss seeing my big beautiful brown eyes everyday. So then I was like oh 😍 it's like that. For two weeks we text pretty regularly and then he invited me over. I sat on the other couch like a nervous little virgin. After 3 nights of that, we finally kissed and had sex. I think it was like 3 years of tension finally coming to a head. it was great.

Soon enough we were doing couple things but he kept me at a safe distance for him. He was pretty hurtful to me even though this was all his idea. He first would tell me we were just friends. But I argued he had other female friends, were they sucking his cock, cooking and cleaning for him too? Then he told me he only like blue eyes blonde haired women, I have brown eyes and hair. Then we were having sex he told me I was lose in certain positions. In addition to having a small clit and I got too wet. Later when having a discussion, I told him I wanted a boob job one day. And he piped in and told me because of how they sag when it was because of shape. He would also never publically acknowledge me, social media or legitimately out in public. Around this time is also the time where his sister, while supposedly trying to compliment me, told me her brother has been happy now that he has figured out that he can't date trophies.

I eventually got to a point where I was hurting terribly bad, so I just stopped answering his text one day. He was upset and asked for a second chance. So I gave it to him. It was ok for a while, our sex life kind of sucked. He was single for so long he couldn't last and he was very vanilla. He asked me to show him things, but when I would he told me it was stupid and a waste of time. I became so self conscious. But I had fallen in love. I had dedicated a year to him and this relationship.

We moved in together. Things seemed to be going ok. He accepted my two children. But on Christmas day, we were at his sisters house and I came to sit next to him and he was looking at pictures of a woman on his phone. This woman was his ex sister in law. A woman he said was his "friend". To me, friends do not need to share pictures of each other. So on the way home, I was silent. Up to this point, we still hadn't said I love you. We get home and he keeps badgering me to speak. I told him that this whole time, though all the bullshit he has put me through, I have loved him. I have loved him when I knew better. I loved him when I deserved better. I called myself a stupid woman and I needed time but I was moving out. He acted confused but eventually "explained" the situation. He said she was having trouble in her marriage and didn't understand why her husband doesn't give her attention. I said well now you're giving her attention. So the next day, he told her he didn't realize that their relationship was inappropriate and he wasn't going to be giving her relationship advice anymore. He told me he deleted her from social media.

We got married in 2018. He didn't ask, we went to Jared and we were looking around. He asked them how much it was and then bought it. We welcomed a son last year.

But everytime I turn around there is someone my husband has had sex with. Or has been with. I am just so over it. He doesn't make me feel attractive or wanted and I have to look at these women? Women he claims were never important to him? He also was friends with almost every single woman he has been with or fucked on social media. I deleted my FB and then he eventually did. I didn't ask, he just did. But I recently was on his ipad getting sleep music for our son and found text messages between him and a "friend", but her number wasn't saved. is just driving me insane. In addition to text, I found porn. He rejects me for sex, claims he doesn't need or want it, but then has porn? It isn't the porn itself, it is the circumstances.

I finally confessed all this to my psychiatrist and he asked me how we made it past all this? I guess we never have technically. I am just pyscho jealous all the time. I feel like he is constantly cheating or trying to find a way out. Is all I think about is how I have a loose vagina, saggy tits, I am not a trophy, that he wants some 50 year old hag instead of me. I am just broken. I think I am the most broken I have ever been. So my psychiatrist says we need therapy but I feel like I created this all by myself? I truly have never been the jealous type. I am so insecure now, I don't even recognize myself.