My internal struggle as a mom

I have a child whose a preteen now, and for years I’ve struggled with one particular thing. His father has been.. well.. he hasn’t been a “Dad” for his entire life. Yes, he helped create or child BUT he never developed a bond with our kid and only has anything to do with him because of the persistence of his parents. He doesn’t even know his school name, has zero to do with his academic success, sees him 2 days a month, has made several poor decisions that I don’t even want to rehash, has no clothing for him when he does visit unless they’re brought over by me, etc. Essentially a “Facebook dad”.. I’m sure some of you know what I mean.

My struggle is that a FUCKING HATE that because he is the father- I feel like we are just naturally put on the same “level of love” as parents.. even though I’m the only one that actually parents, the only one that helps him succeed in any shape way or form, the only parent that provides and invests my love and time, the only parent that’s consistently in his cheering section of all that he does, etc. I guess I just hope that our kid knows or will know the difference between what I’ve done and what all I’ve sacrificed for him compared to his dad.. I don’t need a spoken validation, but I just hope he knows deep inside that I am who raises him, while his father just boasts in the title of being a parent without actually ever acting like one. It’s just this unspoken feeling of sharing the parental limelight with someone that’s honestly undeserving of such a love that eats away at me.

😩