I miss my abusive ex.

I’m currently curled up in bed and I can’t stop thinking about my ex who abused me for years. Mentally and emotionally. I was terrified of him. For some reason I can only think of all the good things he did for me. He supported me for 4 years straight, he thought about me for everything but with that came the abuse. We used to stay up late, talk about everything. We used to play with our daughter together, go everywhere together. We literally were best friends but AGAIN, the abuse was still there. I ended up leaving in January, with him getting arrested when he found out I was talking to this guy whom I change his name to a woman’s name. Never inappropriate but I changed his name because I would talk to him about my problems. I know it was a mistake but he grabbed me by my shirt, shoved and threw me outside. That’s when I called the cops and he got arrested. I never returned home but we were trying to fix things between us. We actually had a marriage counselor to help us get our family back together. But last week we got into a huge fight, and now we’re fighting for custody of our daughter. This week has been hell for me. I currently have my daughter, he can’t see her. He wants to and I do too, but I can’t trust him after he tried keeping her Monday without returning her. I just don’t know how we got so toxic, where the abuse came from. We made a beautiful child together. And now our little baby will have to bounce back and forth. It just breaks my heart. I remember her hugging us and bringing us all three together for a big hug. It really brings tears to my eyes. I miss him so much but I’m glad I got out of this abusive relationship. I hate where I live. I’m not used to it. My house was nice and it was just our family. Now I live with so many family members. I’m broken and depressed. I wish I could afford my own apartment but I can’t. I don’t even have a car. I need words of encouragement because I feel like I’m losing everything.